


Nightlight

by DonutDemon30



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: And I'm not sorry, Anorexia, Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia, Drug Abuse, F/F, Human AU, Multi, Pearlapis, Recreational Drug Use, SO MUCH SHIT GOES DOWN, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, onesided lapidot on peridot's side
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 08:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4556949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DonutDemon30/pseuds/DonutDemon30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis ends up in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. There she meets Pearl for a brief moment, who gives her some advice. Once she's out, school starts and they meet again. Pearlapis. Human AU. Hella trigger warning for suicide attempt, self harm, anorexia, drug use and a bunch of other stuff. So don't read if you're not okay with that stuff. Reviews help a shit ton</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Enough Already

**Author's Note:**

> Huge trigger warning for a lot of things in this chapter :P Self harm, suicide attempt, drug use, drug overdose... yeah... So if you're not okay with that, I recommend you to not read this. But if you do, I hope you like it and it'd be awesome if you left a review, because I'm kinda lazy and that motivates me to update.
> 
> Everyone is human. Lapis is 16 and she's polynesian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge trigger warning for a lot of things in this chapter :P Self harm, suicide attempt, drug use, drug overdose... yeah... So if you're not okay with that, I recommend you to not read this. But if you do, I hope you like it and it'd be awesome if you left a review, because I'm kinda lazy and that motivates me to update.
> 
> Everyone is human. Lapis is 16 and she's polynesian

Laying in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Steadying her breathing after it was lost during a flashback. Its a chore just like everything is for her. The house is silent as it usually is. But in her head all she can hear is Jasper's voice. Taunting her. Making her wish she was dead, that what the other one had done had killed her. To her luck it didn't. And now she's here. In a new house, alone because her only family, her dad, is at work from seven in the morning to ten at night. They moved after what had happened. After Lapis had told him she couldn't be in that house, not with all the memories of what has happened there. But at least she had 'friends' there, if you could call them that. At least she had things to distract her at least a small amount. Now she's just left to her thoughts. Too tired to do anything or to even take care of herself. Her little energy is put into destroying herself. Cutting and burning and taking pills or smoking marijuana. Its all the same, everyday. Does anything in her will to try to end it all without straight up killing herself.

And lately, she's been desperate. Taking more of her medication than she needs. Cutting a little bit deeper. Finding random pills to take. Stealing cigarettes from her dad's stash. She stopped eating a long time ago. Only does it when her dad makes her sit down with him until she eats something. Its not entirely related to the way she thinks of her body, she knows that eventually, she will just die from lack of nutrition. That her internal organs will just fail on themselves, give up like she has. It's a terrible, slow, and painful way to die. Though, it's the next best thing besides suicide. But today… Today is different. The notion of it sounds tempting.

Lapis sits up from her bed and looks around the room. The same four walls that have been tempting her the months she has lived here. She's memorized where everything is by now, because she only moves a few things on occasion. Her desk is cluttered with notebooks that are full of her stories of self loathe. The dark blue curtains are closed and the room is pretty much dark. Just a small amount of light peeks out from the top and bottom where the curtains don't cover. The small table next to her bed has the same contents that it always has on it. A bottle of her medication, a pipe, a small bag of weed, a lighter, an old valentines heart shaped box full of different types of blades, and a pocket knife if those blades don't please her. She takes a deep breath and stands up, walks out into the main room of the house. The wooden floor is cold on her bare feet, so she moves fast across the house to her dad's bathroom, where all the bottles of pills are kept. She stops at the mirror to look at herself. Her blue dyed hair is fading a bit at the roots, the side of her head needs to be shaved again. Her tan skin is covered with cuts and scars and some burns and bruises. Its not easy to look at, but she resists the urge to smash the mirror with her fist and continues her mission. Lapis opens the medicine cabinet to reveal orange and white pill bottles lined up on the shelves. I don't even know what to get… Eventually she settles on some different bottles of who know what and takes them back to her room.

She drops the bottles on her bed then gets a water bottle from her desk. "Do… You really want to die?" She questions out loud. "Yes… Are you sure? Yes. I don't want to be here anymore… I don't want to think about her anymore." Sighing, she opens the first bottle and fills her hand full of the medication, shoves it in her mouth, washes it all down with water. She does the same with the other three bottles. By the time she's done, her throat hurts from the pills scrapping her throat. It doesn't matter though, it's not like the pain will last long. Lapis lays back against her headboard and takes out her pocket knife. Cutting had always relaxed her. And now, she supposes, she needs it the most.

Running the blade over the skin of her left wrist, just hard enough for it to leave behind a deep crimson color, Lapis bites her lip. Her chest is tight, there's a lump in her throat. She has tried to kill herself before, but not like this. She's never tried to do it this way. Not when there's no one to save her. "Its okay though…" She continues cutting over both her wrists and thighs. "It's not like anyone will miss you… Or even know you're gone. You'll just be doing Dad a favor. You're just a burden to him and everyone else." Lapis sets the knife back on her nightstand. She looks at her work. "Wow, you finally cut deep. I guess you can do something right…" She smiles for a moment, wiping some blood from her right thigh. Soon, the smile fades and tears are spilling on her cheeks. "You're such a fuck up. You fucking idiot. I'm glad you'll be gone soon." Her voice darkens. "You deserve this. No, you deserve the worst. You fucking whore. You fucking piece of shit. I hate you! I fucking hate you!" Lapis yells at herself like she were another person. But now it's on words into the void. No one will hear her, she can barely hear herself. These words will never be repeated. No one will ever know she said them. No one will know just how fucked up she is, how much she hates herself. Because she can feel herself dying. Her insides eating away at themselves and the drugs running through her bloodstream. How long has she been sitting here, staring at her legs while she cries? Long enough for the blood start to dry. She's tired, physically, mentally and as she looks around her room again, things smudge. They blur into each other, yet she can still see.

She stands and sweeps the bottles onto her floor before grabbing one of her notebooks and a pen. Quickly, she rips out a paper and scribbles a goodbye. Hardly anything is spelled right because her mind is slow and she loses track of what she's doing. But she manages to write a- I'm sorry, I love you- signed with her name and some tears that slip from her eyes.

She slams the paper on her nightstand and crawls under her covers, the color of the ocean. Pulls the blankets over her head like she used to when she was little during a thunderstorm. Closes her blue eyes and remembers things she'd rather forget. She thinks about Jasper, and her dad and her old friends that she can't remember the name of now. And she thinks about the ocean and the sky and the moon and all the stars that she had ever seen. They all looked so blue and it grew to be her favorite color. The color of her eyes and hair and the moon and the sky and the ocean and some stars. Her eyes that she will never see again and her hair that will be the same. She thinks about how she will never see those things again and she grows a bit sad. But it's okay because at least now she will be free. Maybe there's something out there, maybe she'll get to live in a castle in the sky after this. Maybe she'll live among the stars or in the ocean. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

"Lapis, we need you to wake up, okay?"

"You need to drink this-"

"Take her off the oxygen for a second."

"Her eyes are dilated-"

"Lapis, can you wake up for a second?"

Her eyelids feel heavy. Someone opens one then flashes a flashlight into it. It's time to wake up. After some effort, she finally manages to open her eyes. Everything around her seems to be white. She's surrounded by people and the one closest to her is holding a small paper cup full of something dark. "Lapis, we need you to drink this. Or else, we'll have to pump your stomach at the hospital." Confused, Lapis takes the cup and sits up to drink the liquid. She gags, it tastes terrible. She wants to pull the cup away and stop drinking but, the person holds the cup to Lapis' lips while another person blows air in her face. Which, strangely enough, makes her swallow all of the contents. Lapis moans once the cup is gone, the liquid leaving behind a terrible taste in her mouth. They make her lay down again and they strap her down. She doesn't question what's happening or who these people are. She's too tired to care or even think about it. She's just so tired. So fucking tired.

Soon, she's in a long white hallway. Going fast down it, people on both her sides. Still, she doesn't care what's happening. All she cares about is how sick she feels.

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

What the fuck is that goddamn beeping?

Its not too hard to open her eyes now. But it's painful to, because it's rather bright in the room she's in. She covers her face with the back of her forearm and tries to think. What the fuck? Soon, she finally understands that she's not in her room, her house, or anywhere she knows. Removing her arm, she looks around. A machine next to her is beeping and she sighs in frustration at it for waking her up. Something about her arms feel different, so she stares at them next, then realizes that they're wrapped in gaws and that there's an IV in her right hand.

Oh my fucking god… No… Fuck… It didn't work…

I'm in the hospital. I'm in the fucking hospital and it didn't fucking work and I'm such a fucking idiot, I should have taken more and cut deeper-

"Oh, you're awake. Thats good. How are you feeling?" A nurse enters the small room.

Lapis rubs her eyes so she doesn't cry. She just shakes her head instead of responding, because she's sure she'll burst into tears if she started talking. The nurse seems to understand. "You're dad is in the waiting room, would you like to see him?" She asks with sympathy. Reluctantly, Lapis nods her head.

She hears the nurse leave and a moment later two pairs of footsteps come in again. "I'm just going to flush her IV real fast, then I'll leave you two alone if you want." The same voice rings in again.

Lapis removes her hands from her face and looks up to her dad. Immediately she regrets everything. He has bags under his eyes and the look on his face is something more than melancholy. The nurse does her job quick before asking Lapis if she's okay with being alone with him, which of course, she is, then she leaves.

Her dad sighs and pulls up a chair to the side of her bed. "I'm sorry." Lapis says quickly.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone for so long. I knew you were depressed but I had no idea you were still suicidal."

Lapis stares at her hands. "When did you find me?"

He sits still for a moment. "I got off at five, so I came home to check on you and… I saw your note and all the pill bottles and… I honestly thought you were gone. But… I called the ambulance and they took you…" Lapis can see him wipe his face from the corner of her eye.

"I'm sorry. I'm so stupid… I'm sorry…"

"Hey, its fine. Its gonna be okay, so don't be sorry." He attempts a smile. "You're gonna go to UNI for a bit and they're gonna help you with all of this-"

"UNI?" Lapis snaps her head over to him. "I-I'm not going!"

"Lapis, listen, you've been through a lot of hard things that have left you scarred. Once you're there, they'll help you get better. There will be kids there like you and groups-"

"I don't want to meet kids like me! I don't want to go to the crazy hospital! I'm not crazy-"

"Lapis, stop." His tone is more strict. "I'm not going to let you go home so you can just rot away again. I'm not going through this again. I am not losing you. You're going to get help, even if you don't want it. I miss the days when you were happy. I miss the old Lapis that would smile at everything and dance whenever there was music and sing when you couldn't dance. I love you, and I hate seeing you in so much pain. It kills me to know that you were hurting so much that you thought you had to kill yourself to feel better." His voice cracks, threatening for him to cry. But by now, it's not him who is crying, but Lapis instead. "I'll come visit you when I can. I'll call you on my breaks and the moment the doctors say you can leave, I'll be there. Once you're out, I'll get you that ukulele you've been wanting for a while."

Lapis smiles a bit, but still hurting. "Thanks… I love you."

"I love you too." He smiles and kisses the top of her head. "Now that you're awake, they're probably going to take you over to UNI. And hey, they said since you're anorexic, they'll let you specially order all your food straight from the chef."

Lapis smiles, maybe feeling a bit better. "Thank you…"


	2. Doing This For Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's kinda hard for me to write about mental hospitals and stuff because of the experience I've had being in one. But anyway, here it is. I don't have anything against the cool kids or what ever but I needed characters that weren't gonna be in the story later so....  
> Pearl is Filipino, in case you were wondering

The rules are strict. But Lapis expected that much. No touching anyone, no sharing phone numbers, last names, social media, schools, no swearing, no shoes, but you have to wear socks, no pants with drawstrings, no jackets with drawstrings, no drawstrings period, no jewelry, no food in rooms, no passing notes, no flirting… The list goes on and on. Patients don’t have to attend all groups, but if they don’t attend, then it will take longer for them to leave. If a patient is there for too long, making no progress, they are sent to long term inpatient. Which is basically the same, but they are there for around six months.  
All of the rooms doors have windows planted on them, the bottom of the door is raised so nurses can slip papers underneath and see in to make sure that the patient is still there at night. Everything is bolted down or solid wood so its hard to lift up. The beds don’t have an underneath. The bathrooms are in the rooms and are only half doors. The mirrors are shatterproof. The pencils don’t have erasers and are only two inches long. The doors to the rooms automatically lock, patients have to have a nurse unlock it for them. Everything seems to be childproof to Lapis, or at least, suicide proof.  
She arrives at night, past dinner and curfew. She is ordered to strip down so a pair of nurses can examine her body, take note of all of her scars. After that, she is given a pair of blue scrubs to wear. “You can earn your clothes back once you’re on level two.” And she doesn’t care what that means. She just plans on faking her way through the whole thing so she can get back home fast. Lapis is handed a pile of papers after the rules are described to her. They explain that soon she will have to complete a ‘life-map’ - an essay describing what led up to her being admitted. She’s sent to bed, which is less than comfortable. She barely sleeps, and it doesn’t help that someone keeps walking past her room with a flashlight, looking in, writing something down then leaving, only to come back ten minutes later. It’s like prison…  
“Lapis, time to wake up. Fill out this paper then put it on the nurses station, alright?” Its a womans voice.  
Reluctantly, she sits up because the person left the door halfway open. Standing, she retrieves a paper that sits in front of her door along with a small pencil. The questions are simple, ‘How did you sleep?’, ‘Are you feeling suicidal?’, ‘On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to hurt yourself/others?’. Lapis fills it out fast then exits. She stands in the long hallway for a moment, not remembering it at all. Across the hall is another room, the door halfway open also. She glances into the room to find another girl with light pink hair sitting at a desk, filling out a paper. Lapis turns and continues down the hall until she approaches the nurses station. About a dozen kids are lounging around it, some in line, some getting their vitals taken. It really is a hospital…  
“Good morning, Lapis.” A nurse with big pink curls greets her. “I’m Rose, your nurse for today.” She offers a friendly smile.  
“Hi… Where do I put this?” Lapis holds up the paper she received.  
“Just set it down on the desk. Do you wanna fill out your meal forms for today?” Rose walks behind the desk and grabs three skinny papers before handing them to Lapis.  
Why are there so many papers… She sets down her previous paper then fills out the new ones before Rose tells her to wait in line for her vitals. The nurse doing vitals asks some questions then sends her off.  
“You can just go hang out in there until breakfast arrives. Just remember the rules.” Rose points to a room with windows for walls.  
Lapis wanders in the room and sits on the floor next to the window that leads outside. There’s a few kids in there too. Some of them just look at her and seem to forget, go back to talking with other people or nurses. I’m not here to make friends… You just need to get in and out. You’re doing this for dad.  
She doesn’t remember the ride over, she doesn’t remember where in Delmarva she is. But at least she can see the ocean from this window. The ocean, along with a few other things, had always calmed her. Now, though, it just makes her wish she could just drown in it. That a hurricane would just rip through the hospital and kill her. That she was trapped at the bottom of it.  
Shut up, shut up, shut up…  
“Hey, you’re the new admit, right?”  
The voice knocks her out of her thoughts. Looking up, she finds the same girl she saw in the room across from hers. “Uhm.. yes..?”  
She giggles at Lapis’ reluctant reaction. “I’m Pearl. I’m on insight right now, so I can’t stay for long, but, I think you’re in the room across from mine.” She offers a small smile.  
“Lapis. What’s insight?” She feels stupid for needing to ask. It was probably in one of the papers she was supposed to read last night.  
“One of the lowest levels besides the ‘new admit level one’. It means I can only attend one group a day and I have to fill out a bunch of paperwork.” She sits on her knees in front of Lapis. She nods in response then continues to stare out the window. Pearl sighs. “So, uhm… what are you here for?”  
Lapis closes her eyes. Why do you care, just go away… “Tried to kill myself.” She says in a low voice.  
“Oh, I understand. Is that it?” Lapis shakes her head. “You’ll have to talk about it eventually. Or else you’ll never get better.”  
“I don’t want to get better.”  
Pearl sighs. “Neither did I, and now I’m on insight. And it sucks, its as close to prison as you can get when you’re here. You’re just left alone to your thoughts.”  
Names are called and breakfast is passed out by Rose. “Sit somewhere where I can see you.” Lapis mutters an ‘okay’ before going back to her previous spot.  
Pearl joins her again. “Oh, so you’re anorexic too?”  
The blue haired one looks up, a bit surprised. “What do you mean?”  
“You get to order all of your meals from the kitchen if you’re anorexic so you’ll eat. Don’t worry. Thats not bad.” Pearl says, pushing her food around. “I’m anorexic too. And bulimic. So, I know how it is.”  
“Also,” Rose comes and sits on the couch next to them. “I have to watch you two eat. Make sure you don’t just throw it away.”  
Lapis nods while poking her food, not in the mood to eat. Pearl and Rose make conversation with each other. Not really paying attention to Lapis anymore. She scratches at the bandages that cover her arms. I hate it already. She only eats a little bit, but that’s only because Rose won’t stop bugging her about it. Whenever she asks if she can be done, Rose responds with ‘Just a few more bites, then you can’. Her stomach aches from eating actual food by the time Rose takes her tray back to the portable refrigerator.  
“You have to stay with me for an hour now.” Rose informs when she gets back.  
“What? Why?”  
Pearl cuts in and Lapis mentally rolls her eyes. “So you don’t go to your room and throw up what you just ate.”  
“But… I’m not like that.”  
“Its just the rules for patients who are anorexic and bulimic. Sorry, hun.” Rose leans back on the couch. 

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

“I’m Jenny. I’m sixteen, my mood is numb. I’m here for drug use, anxiety and depression.”  
“Lars, fifteen, depressed. Here for suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, self harm and major depression.”  
“Buck, I’m sixteen, I’m feeling pretty content today. And I’m here for self harm, depression, drug use and suicidal thoughts.”  
“They call me Sour Cream. I’m seventeen. Feeling content. Here for anorexia, self harm, suicidal thoughts and actions and major anxiety.”  
“I’m Pearl. I’m also seventeen. I’m feeling kind of happy, because they put me on insight two. And, I’m here for anorexia, bulimia, suicidal thoughts, self harm and major anxiety.”  
Lapis holds her breath, not wanting it to be her turn just yet, but she’s the last one in the circle. “I’m Lapis.” Her voice is shaking more than she thought it would. “I’m sixteen. My mood is… depressed. I’m here for suicidal thoughts, actions and attempts, anorexia, self harm, post traumatic stress disorder, major anxiety and depression, drug use and… I think it was called denationalization disorder.” You’re here for so much…  
“Have you filled out your life map yet?” The therapist running the group asks. Lapis nods. “Alright, would you like to go over it with us?”  
It’s not a question, she knows. But she just hopes it is, she doesn’t want to relive everything again. Though, she’s here, and she’ll probably have to relive it a few times. Taking a deep breath, she forces herself to unfold the paper in her hand. She stares at the messy handwriting, trying to figure out what the first word says. Nothing’s making sense right now. “My mom died when I was one, never knew her. In second grade, I met my old best friend, Peridot. Started self-harming when I was twelve. Once Peridot found out, she started drifting away and by the time I was thirteen, we were practically strangers.” Lapis reads from the paper as much as she can but her heart hurts and she doesn’t want to continue. I just want to go home. “She moved away then, too. When I was fourteen, I tried to kill myself because I didn’t have anyone. But after that, I started going out with this person… She was…” Lapis’ throat tightens. “She didn’t treat me very well… So we broke up when I was fifteen. I was also raped twice that year. And… I tried to kill myself a lot… Then, my dad and I moved here once I turned sixteen… Then, I almost successfully killed myself. And that’s how I got here…”  
“Any questions?” The therapist asks the other patients.  
A few raise their hands and Lapis receives a look saying to point to someone. So she points to the kid with white hair, not expecting to be asked questions. “What do you mean when you say she didn’t treat you well?”  
Lapis sighs. “She… Just… would make me do things and she wasn’t very gentle… I don’t know…”  
She points to a kid who is wearing sunglasses, even though they’re inside. “Why did you start self-harming?”  
“Just felt alone, I guess.”  
“Did you know the people that raped you?” It’s Pearl asking, of course she would be the one to ask that.  
“I knew one of them.”  
“Who was it, if I may ask.” Pearl rests her arm on her knee and her chin in her hand.  
“I-don’t…” Lapis closes her eyes.  
“Alright, maybe she’ll talk about it when she’s ready. Any constructive criticism?” Thankfully, the therapist saves her.  
Pearl is the first to raise her hand. This bitch, I swear. “I know it’s hard to talk about your past, and maybe you just don’t want to talk about it to all of us, but you’re going to have to eventually. If you tell us about it, then we can try to help because one of us might be going through something similar. At least, that’s how it was for me.”  
Lapis huffs then points to another girl. “Yeah, basically what she said. I feel ya, when it comes to being raped by someone you know. Plus, you can tell us anything because we probably won’t see you again after you get discharged.”  
Group is called to a close and everyone goes back to the window room to wait for the next one. Lapis sits alone again with her knees pulled to her chest. A few people try to talk to her, make sure she’s okay. She tells them that she’s just tired and that makes them go away leaving her with a ‘you can hang out with me if you want to later’. Saying she was tired wasn’t a complete lie. She is tired, physically, mentally. She’s beyond exhausted. But it’s not they type of tired sleep can fix. Its gonna take a miracle for her to get back her energy.


	3. Future Foe Scenarios

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this was so late! I've been moving and its been pretty hellish... This chapter is kinda short and cheesy but its better than nothing??? I'll try to update sooner but I've had the worst writers block

“Lapis, you have a visitor.” Rose interrupts the group to pull said girl out.  
Its her third day. She’s earned her clothes back by now, and is on level two, giving her more privilege. Rose unlocks the door leading to the lobby where her dad is waiting. “Hey, Lazoomerboobie.” He greets her jokingly.  
“Shut up.” She smiles, giving him a hug. “Just because Peri called me that, doesn’t mean you should.”  
“I know, I know.” They walk into a small review room used for private visits. “I got you this stress ball at the gift shop.” He hands her a small blue balloon filled with sand with the words ‘get well soon’ on the front of it.  
“Thanks.” She says, sitting down in a chair.  
“Yep… So… how are you doing? Any better?”  
“Yeah, a lot, actually. My plan of not making friends has failed, though.” Lapis squeezes the ball.  
“Why don’t you wanna make friends?” He sits down across from her.  
“After this, we’re not allowed to have any contact. So if I make a friend, I’ll never see them again. And I’ve made friends. Which is shitty.”  
He nods. “I get it. Wouldn’t want to see one of them in public and have them going off about all of this.”  
Lapis nods. “Its actually really peaceful here. I mean, even though we’re talking about suicide and self harm all day, it’s still calm. I expected it to be more like it is on tv. Like with straight jackets and rooms made of pillows.”  
“Yeah.”   
They both go silent for a while.   
“Lapis, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you-”  
“Stop. Don’t say that, this isn’t your fault.” As soon as the nice atmosphere appeared, it disappeared. And now all Lapis can think about is how much this probably hurt him. “I-I’m sorry… That I did this to you…You didn’t need this. You don’t need me…”  
“Lapis, of course I need you. Sure, this is pretty hard for me, but I imagine it’s even worse for you. But don’t think for a second that I dont need you. I already lost your mom, and I’m not going to lose you too.”  
Lapis stares down at the ball in her hands. Wondering what to say but mostly just wanting to go back to her room. After this group is another one and she’s probably going to skip it. The longer the silence fills the air, the more she wants to disappear. So she changes the subject. “I need more clothes, if you could bring some next time.”  
“Alright. I’ll bring some over tomorrow. I have to go back to work soon.”  
“Okay… Thanks for coming…”  
They hug and go their separate ways.

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

Her door is wide open because she didn’t bother to shut it. The hall is quiet and there’s no one else in their rooms but her. Standing in the middle of her room, she stares out the window in the corner. I need to cut… She scratches at her wrist as her breathing becomes heavier.  
“We’ll come check on you after this group so you can get back to work.” One of the nurses says.  
Across the hall, the nurse walks away after unlocking Pearl’s door for her. She doesn’t thank him or say anything like she usually does. She just walks in a little bit and casts her head down. Lapis looks at her for a while before noticing that she’s shaking. No, she’s crying. Lapis sticks her head out of her room, hoping she doesn’t get caught. “Pearl, what’s wrong?”  
She turns around, eyes pink from crying, motions her over. We’re both gonna get in trouble… But nevertheless, she runs across the vacant hall and stands in the doorway of the others room. “Whats wrong?”  
Pearl takes a deep breath. “I… I can’t tell you…”  
“Why? If it’s a secret, I can keep it. Thats probably the only thing I’m good at.” She mumbles the last part.  
“Well… I suppose it would be nice telling someone who isn’t payed to listen…” Her tears are beginning to dry. “Please don’t tell anyone. Even when you’re out because if the word gets back to me I-”  
“Just tell me.” Lapis huffs.  
“I’m… I’m really gay.” She nearly laughs. “But my parents are homophobic assholes. They want people who are gay to just fucking die and they don’t know I’m one. And… My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to come out to them…”  
“What’d they say?”  
“I was going to tell them today but then I realized how much they talk about eliminating gay people. And I… They’ll disown me and my whole family will hate me. I didn’t tell them but it just sucks knowing that your family is going to hate the real you. That I can never be myself with them…” Pearl isn’t laughing or smiling anymore. “I just really want to get off of insight because that’s what I think about all day. They make me write essays on how it makes me feel or what would happen if I did come out to them. At least in groups I can talk about issues I can fix.”  
Lapis thinks for a moment. “What about your one group a day thing?”  
“They put me back on ground level insight. I can’t go to any groups.”  
“Why? It’s not really helping you at this point?”  
Pearl sighs and pulls up her sleeves. Its not just scars anymore that Lapis had glanced at on occasion. It puffy red scratches, some successfully broke skin but most of them just left marks. “I didn’t know they were going to do another body check. I’ve never wanted to die more than I do right now and it’s ridiculous.”  
“I feel you.”  
“Can I hug you?” Pearl asks.  
“Uhm… sure? I just don’t want to get caught.” Before she finishes, Pearl clings to her. Lapis hesitates before hugging her back, not realizing how much she missed hugging other people.   
The two stand there for a while before Pearl moves away. “Group is almost over. They’ll be checking on us soon.”  
Lapis nods before going back to her room. Not looking back at Pearl who she hadn’t noticed had a huge blush across her cheeks.


	4. Silent in the Trees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God damn, this took so long. Sorry about that...

“I hope I never see you here again.” Pearl smiles, with a sheet of sadness under her tone.  
Lapis smiles back, looking down the hall to make sure no one is present. Sure, there are the cameras, but by the time someone reviews the footage, she’ll be long gone. “Thanks. I hope you get out soon.”   
Pearl rocks back and forth on her feet while staring at the other girl, she nods. “Remember me, okay? And if you see me in public, give me a hug.”  
“I will.” Lapis leans against Pearl’s door frame. Pearl hugs her briefly for the last time. “Eat, digest, don’t cut and remember that if no one’s on your side, I’ll be.” Lapis pulls her back into the hug, tighter this time.  
“Thank you… You better go before someone catches us.” Pearl says after they release.  
“Good luck.”

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

The ride home is filled with questions, answers and awkward conversation all around. They stop by Guitar Center to get Lapis’ new ukulele. Dark blue stained wood. She plays it the rest of the way home. Picks it up fast and starts tabbing out things that sound good. She doesn’t know how to play yet, but she’s always had an ear for music. Once they’re home, Lapis pulls out her laptop to learn some chords and to check if there’s anything new on social media. By request, she sits out on the back deck with her dad. He doesn’t force any more conversation on her. Just enjoys her presents. Enjoys that she made it out at least somewhat better. He can already tell that she’s a bit happier. And that’s all that matters right now. All that matters is that she is okay and alive and not dead, not six feet under the ground now.   
Thinking about that makes him stare at her, hating that he couldn’t have done something sooner. Hating everyone and everything that had ever hurt her. Lapis looks over to him, already know what he’s thinking about. Her chest grows heavy but at least she can mutter out a small, “Thank you…”

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

The first day of school is always less than pleasing. Especially when it’s a new school with new people that you’ve never met before. When you don’t know what they’ll be like; snobby, rich, poor, kind. But Lapis wakes up on time, gets dressed and walks over anyway. Stomach turning in a fit of anxiety and slight panic. She’s wearing a sleeveless tee shirt and the scars on her wrists are visible though faded. When she approaches campus, it’s crowded. Inside and out. Kids meeting up with friends they haven’t seen since the last year. Greeting and laughing and having a good time just being alive. While Lapis is trying to calm her nerves, regretting waking up today. Pulling out her schedule, she reads the room number of her first class, english.  
She works her way through the halls carefully, still not used to having the freedom of touching other people and other people touching her. Not that she would want to or that anyone would try. Soon enough she makes it to class with ten minutes to spare. Lapis sits in the back, putting in her headphones and ignoring the other students that slowly flood into the room. No one notices her, or if they do they just assume that she doesn't have any friends in this class. That she probably has friends and they don't need to reach out. And she's fine with it. She doesn't want anyone's sympathy. She doesn't need anyone.  
First and second period are nothing special. Just the normal first day routine. Introductions then disclosures and rules. After second is a half hour class, TA. In a kitchen classroom with round tables spread about. She sits at one that no one is occupying and pulls out her schedule, not looking forward to the rest of the day.  
1- English  
2-Math  
TA  
3-History  
A Lunch  
4-Art  
5-Dance  
Not going to be an easy semester with all of the essentials.  
"Holy shit! If it isn't Miss Lapis Lazoomberboobie!"  
Lapis glares up at the mention of her old nickname to find Peridot. Easily recognizable, she hadn't changed much since the last time she saw her. Still has the same bleach blonde hair and green hoodie, this year it seems to be a Minecraft creeper one. "Oh, haven't seen you in a while. What's up?" Even though she could care less about the person who left her when she needed her most.  
Peridot sits down across from Lapis. "Nothing much. Can't believe it’s junior year already."  
"Seems crazy..." /Please go away, please go away.../ "Just how fast it went."  
"Feels like it wasn't too long ago that we were building pillow forts in my front room" She smiles at the memory. "So what are you doing here? When'd you move?"  
/Who cares?/ /Just answer./ /Fuck her, you don't need this./ Trying to push aside her inner conflict she continues. "The end of sophomore year. My dad and I just needed... Something new." /Nice save./  
"I feel ya. It’s cool how we ended up in the same school again."  
"Hm, yeah." /Fuck off, please.../  
After roll, more uncomfortable conversation begins. Though she does find that they have a few things in common. After class, they part and Lapis has to focus on calming herself. By the time she feels alright, it’s lunch and somehow Peridot finds her again. Same thing pursues the rest of lunch and into fourth period. It's a bit easier since it's an art class anyway. Luckily the teacher wants everyone to draw how they feel, she scribbles hard and eventually rips through the paper, getting pencil all over the desk. /Dumbass./ Fifth peridot comes up quick and Lapis is grateful that she can soon go home and relax. She sits against the wall in the dance studio before everyone is instructed to sit in a circle.   
"Okay, let’s all introduce ourselves!" The teacher scares half the class with her loud, enthusiastic voice. If anyone was tired, they probably aren't now. She sits between two students in the circle as she ties up her pink/silver hair. "I'll start and we'll just go clockwise from there. Questions are, name, if you're a junior or senior, and your favorite thing to do! As you all know, my name is Rain Quartz. You can call me Rain or Miss Quartz. And my favorite thing to do is dance!" She ends with a smile as the next student begins. Lapis attempts to pay attention to everyone's names (unsuccessfully, all she wants to do is go home). Much to her annoyance, she feels someone's eyes on her. She finds the person who won’t take her eyes off of her. /Wait.../ /Oh, shit./ Freshly cut and dyed light pink hair. She smiles at Lapis and she realizes heat rising to her cheeks. /Pearl?/ /Yeah, that's her./ /What the fuck? How the fu-/  
A nudge to her arm and she notices its her turn. She tries to recover fast but when she speaks her voice cracks with embarrassment. "My name is Lapis. I'm a junior and my favorite thing to do is... Play my ukulele I guess..." Her entire face is burning and it takes a lot for her to keep sitting still. /Idiot./ /Dumbass./ /Fucking pay attention, dumbass!/ School always seems to do this to her. She stares at her hands for a moment before she feels Pearl's eyes on her again. /Stop looking at me./ Nevertheless she looks up like her thoughts aren't killing her. It's almost Pearl's turn.  
"I'm Sapphire, a senior and my favorite thing to do is to hang out with my girlfriend." The girl shrugs like it was obvious.  
"My name is Pearl. I'm a senior and I like to dance."  
She sounds a lot more confident now than before. Lapis doesn't care about the rest of the people, all she can focus on is Pearl staring at her, blushing, looking away and doing it all over again. After introductions, Rain leads the class in some basic warm ups as she explains the rules and things needed. It goes by quickly so afterwards she lets the everyone do whatever as long as "it stays in the studio".  
Lapis remains in the same spot for a while before she's nearly tackled by Pearl when said girl comes for a hug. "Oh my gosh! I thought I'd never see you again!" Lapis hugs her back tightly, glad that she's not completely alone.  
"Same." She closes her eyes as they stay there for little bit longer. "When'd you get out?" She lowers her voice once Pearl pulls away.  
"Four days after you. They handed me the stack of papers they had me write while I was in insight and it was nearly six inches tall." The older of the two rolls her eyes. "How have you been?"  
"I'm... Still alive."  
Pearl shrugs knowingly. "So am I. I'm still trying to decide if that’s good or not."  
"Well, it’s good for me." Lapis gives her a small smile.   
"I'm glad you're alive too." Pearl smiles. "Come meet my friend." She takes Lapis' hand and pulls her in the direction of the person. /Noooooooooooo. I don't want to meet anyone else.../ They come to a stop in front of the girl who was sitting next to Pearl in the circle. "This is Sapphire. Sapphire, this is my friend Lapis. We met over the summer."  
"Hello." Sapphire waves. Her hair is light blue that cascades down her shoulders and back while covering her eyes. Lapis can't help but think she looks like some type of goddess with her dark skin and light hair. "I like your hair." Sapphire compliments. "Blue is kind of my thing too."   
Lapis curses herself once she feels heat rise to her cheeks again. "Thanks. I like yours too."  
"Do you think she can come to the party on Friday?" Pearl turns to Sapphire.  
"Oh, yeah, totally. My girlfriend, Ruby is hosting one last summer party this friday. It's at her house at like nine." Sapphire tells Lapis. Her stomach turns with anxiety.  
"I can show you where it is. Ruby's parties are usually a lot of fun."  
"You drink or smoke?" Sapphire asks in a whisper.  
"Yeah..?" /What's it to you?/  
"I think you'll have fun then." She smiles right as the bell rings. "I gotta go meet Ruby at her car before she threatens to make me walk home. I'll see you around. Nice to meet you, Lapis." She waves as she runs (really fast, like what the hell?) out of the studio.

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

The week goes by fast despite the constant anxiety Peridot gives Lapis. Somehow Pearl manages to get her TA's switched so now she's in Lapis' also. Somewhat helping calm Lapis. They go over to Lapis' house to do homework, growing more comfortable with eachother, learning more. Lapis meets the rest of Pearl's friends. She has class with Ruby and Amethyst, who tease her about liking Peridot (what the fuck?). Feeding to her anxiety obviously but it's getting easier to find the humor in it all and to tell them to shut the fuck up. By the time it's Friday, she actually feels... Okay. For the first time in what feels like forever she doesn't feel so incredibly numb.  
"You guys ready to party?" Peridot throws her backpack down on the table Pearl and Lapis are sitting at before sitting down. /Who invited her?/  
"I'm ready to get high and possibly make out with some girls tonight." Lapis rests her head in her hands, still tired from not getting enough sleep due to a late night phone conversation between her and Pearl.  
Peridot laughs. "I knew you'd be a druggy."  
/I'll fucking fight you, bitch./ "And I always knew you'd be a piece of shi-"  
"That wasn't necessary, Peri." Pearl cuts her off before she can finish telling Peridot how horrible she thinks she is. Peridot huffs and pulls out her phone to play Candy Crush. Pearl turns back to Lapis. "Can I come over to your place until the party? I told my parents I was going to sleep over at Sapphire's tonight so I can't go home until tomorrow."  
"Yeah but I'm probably gonna want to take a nap before the party. Just a fair warning. I'm gonna go all night." Lapis leans back in her chair and rests her legs on Pearl's.   
Pearl blushes slightly. "Yeah I might want to take a nap too. Wouldn't want you to leave me in the dust. I have to keep up with you."  
Lapis smiles. "You can try but don't hurt yourself. If I'm gonna party, I'm gonna fucking /party/."  
The rest of school goes by fast and before Lapis notices how fast, she's climbing into Pearl's car. As the older of the two pulls out of student parking, she glances at Lapis from the corner of her eye. "Can you drive yet?"  
She runs a hand through her hair. "Uhm, legally?"  
"So you don't have your license then?" Pearl smirks.  
"Shut up. I had my permit but... Shit happened and now I can't get it for a year." Lapis crosses her arms.  
"What happened?"  
"No, you're gonna make fun of me."  
Pearl scoffs. "I've never made fun of you."  
"Okay fine, princess. I was high and really depressed so I drove to the beach, it was like four in the morning. On the way home I was going like, ten over the speed limit and got pulled over."  
"Did you go to jail?"  
"Court, parole. I'm off it now. I just need to wait now." Pearl pulls to the curb of Lapis' house. They go inside and Lapis immediately face plants into her bed. "I'm tired. Let’s sleep."  
"Wait, not yet."  
"Why not?" Lapis rolls over, taking off her shoes and throwing them into her closet in the corner.  
Pearl grabs the blue ukulele sitting on Lapis' desk. "You haven't played for me yet."  
Lapis blinks a few times. "Oh yeah. And suggestions?" She sits up and takes the instrument as Pearl slips off her shoes and sits next to her. She shakes her head, waiting patiently. "Hmm... How about some 21 Pilots?"  
"Alright." Pearl smiles, making Lapis smile back.  
Lapis takes a breath before playing a short intro. "I know where you stand, silent in the trees. And that's where I am, silent in the trees. Why won’t you speak where I happen to be? Silent in the trees, standing cowardly. I can feel your breath. I can feel my death. I want to know you. I want to see. I want to say hello. Hello, hello, hello..." She hums a little bit for the next part, closing her eyes to avoid Pearl's stare. Not that she doesn't like it, she just can't focus. "I know where you stand, silent in the trees. And that's where I am, silent in the trees. Why wont you speak where I happen to be? Silent in the trees, standing cowardly. I can feel your breath. I can feel my death. I want to know you. I want to see. I want to say hello..." More humming. "Hello, hello... Hello, hello. Hello, hello..." Opening her eyes again, she's met with a shy but impressed smile.  
"You're amazing for a beginner. And your voice isn't too bad either."  
"Thanks... Can we sleep now? I feel like I'm gonna die."  
The blonde laughs. "Yeah." She stands before climbing under the blankets.  
Lapis sets down her uke and crawls under too. "How many piercings do you have?" She turns on her side to face Pearl.  
"None. But I want my ears at least once. How many do you have?" She also turns to face the other.  
"Uhm, lets see... Four in each ear, a septum that I rarely ever wear, and once upon a time I had a belly button piercing but it got ripped out." Lapis stares at the other for a moment. "I think you'd look good with a ring right here." She points to the crook between Pearl's nose.  
"Yeah?"  
"Mmhm. Can I do it?"  
Pearl laughs before realizing she was serious. "No, my parents will disown me."  
"But what if you take it out when you're around them. Come on, I've done it before." Lapis puts on a pout.  
"No. They'll notice the hole in my nose."  
"Bleh, whatever." She narrows her eyes and brings her face only inches from Pearl's. The other blushes deeply. "I'll do it in your sleep."  
Pearl pushes her away playfully. "Psshh. Let’s just sleep, you loser."  
"Alright... but seriously, you'd look good with it." Lapis grabs her phone from her sweatshirt pocket and turns on Spotify. After turning on a soft song, they stop talking and eventually drift off together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the reviews and stuff like that. It really helps and even though this chapter was really late, it keeps me motivated.


	5. Menthol Cigarettes and Passion Fruit Rum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally got internet so here's this

Her hands are rough when they tug on Lapis' hips. When one reaches to tilt up her chin to catch their lips in a kiss. She's just so much larger than Lapis. So much stronger. Lapis wouldn't be able to get away even if she wanted to. But right now she just wants to feel their bodies pressed together. Jasper's teeth tugging on her bottom lip. One of her hands reaching down to cup her ass. And everything feels okay. Everything feels the way it did before Jasper's touch became unpleasant and demanding.  
And there's a wall that she pushes Lapis against, her legs somehow wrapping around thick, muscular hips. Jasper pulls away from Lapis' lips before moving in to kiss her neck. "No one else will ever want you. They know you're mine." A free hand slips up her shirt. "You're just not worth the effort." The blonde laughs. "I'm not sure I would still want you if I knew how much effort and time I'd have to put into you..." She nips her collar bone, a gasp finds its way from the smaller ones throat. "But the sounds you make and all that shit... That's what makes it worth it." Though Lapis isn't resisting, she doesn't care to stop the tears spilling from her eyes. "That's all you are, anyway." Jasper pulls back just enough to look Lapis in her eyes, squeezing the breast still in her hand. "A toy for me."  
/Wake up./ /LAPIS, WAKE UP./ /YOU'RE DREAMING./  
Slowly, her eyes open to find she's in her room. It only takes her a moment to register that Pearl is beside her. Or rather, under her. She's lying partially on top of the other girl, her head resting on Pearl's chest. Their legs are in a tangled in a mess of limbs and she can feel lengthy fingers in her hair.  
"You awake yet?"  
She takes a second to respond. "I hope." She whispers, looking up to Pearl. One hand behind her own head as she takes the other out of Lapis' hair.  
"Did you do that to your ceiling?"  
Lapis follows Pearl's eyes upward to the ceiling. Painted like a galaxy, bright yellows and purples and whites over a dark blue landscape. She can't help but smile at the piece of art. "No, it was like that when we moved here."  
"Well, it’s beautiful..."  
"I love the stars." She looks back to Pearl, now doing the same. "The guy who did it said that he took a panoramic of the sky at night in summer and studied it until he figured he should paint it." Somehow the memory of the mysterious man telling the story calms her down if only in the slightest.  
"That's amazing."  
"Yeah. What time is it?" Lapis sits up against the headrest.  
"Eight, I think." Pearl shuts her eyes.  
"How long have you been awake?"  
Pearl shrugs. "Awhile. I didn't want to move and wake you up, though."  
/Wish you would have./ "You wanna smoke a bowl before we go?" She stretches, eyes fixed on her clear glass pipe with streaks of blue on her bedside table.  
"I don't smoke."  
"But you drink?" Pearl nods. "You know that's worse, right?"  
"I suppose." She runs her fingers through her own hair and Lapis wishes they were in hers. /That's gay./ /Stop it./  
They lay like that for a while, trying not to fall back asleep. But eventually Lapis stands and removes her sweatshirt, throwing it at the bottom of the bed while she finds a shirt to wear. Settling on a loose blue muscle shirt, she changes quickly. "You want food or anything?" She turns back to Pearl, she's blushing slightly from the lack of warning Lapis gave her.  
"N-no, I'm fine." She stands also. "Can I just leave my stuff here and get it tomorrow?"  
"Mmhm."

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

Before they even get inside they can hear the loud music, feel the bass under their feet as they approach the door. As Lapis reaches out to open the door, it swings open to reveal Amethyst, pretty obvious that she isn't sober. "Pearl, Lapis!" She grabs both of their hands and drags them in. "Didn't think you two were coming." She laughs her fifty-year-old-smoker laugh, it’s contagious and Lapis has to laugh at it also.  
"Well, we're here." She shrugs.  
Pearl seems to be looking around the crowded room full of drunk and high teens. "Where's Sapphire?"  
"I think she's in the kitchen?" Amethyst turns in the direction of said location but then turns back to Lapis. "You smoke, right?"  
"I'm gonna find Sapphire. Are you going to be okay?" Pearl asks.  
Lapis nods to her as she disappears into the crowd. "Smoke what?"  
Amethyst throws back her head and laughs. "Fuck yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" She takes Lapis' hand again before leading her into the next room. "Someone brought this insane strain; it's fucking amazing!" She draws out the word 'amazing' for emphasis.  
They approach a circle of people around a rather large bong, shaped like a generic alien, stained green. "What's the strain called?"  
Someone in the circle responds. "Lavender."  
"Oh..." Even though she hasn't had it. They join the circle and wait for their turn. Lapis tries to distract herself by listening to the music. It doesn't work because pretty soon she can feel a good amount of eyes on her. She clenches her fists tightly, leaving small crescent shaped marks on her palms, it's calming at least a bit. Before she can focus on the slight pain on her hands, she's passed a lighter. Kneeling before the large water pipe, she puts her mouth to it as she holds the gage and lights. Everyone watches her because honestly, she doesn't look like someone who would be into this. But she waits for the smoke to fill up, then takes it all in fast before sitting back. She holds it in for a while before the strange burning in her lungs gets too much and she has to exhale. /Fuckfuckfuckfuck/ Despite her efforts, she coughs a few times, rubbing her eyes and throat. Amethyst laughs at her while she takes her rip. Once she's done, she seems to have the same pained expression planted on her face as Lapis. The blue haired teen can't help but laugh also, already feeling her high kick in.  
They stay and smoke for more rotations than they initially planned. And eventually, Amethyst makes a game of who can hold in the smoke the longest without coughing. The score comes down to a tie before Ruby asks them to join a game of truth or dare up in her room. "We'll continue this later..." Amethyst points to Lapis like there would be other people who were in the game, but there weren't. They stand, legs a bit weak, and slowly making their way upstairs, being sure to grab a bag of Doritos on the way. The room is less crowded, only occupied with the usual group of people she hangs out with, but there's also Buck, Jenny, Sour Cream and Lars.  
"Oh shit-" Lapis smiles and hugs the four from the hospital. "You guys are alive-!"  
Ruby, not caring about the long lost friends, begins the game. They all sit down (well, only Lapis and Amethyst were standing) and the two faded ones open the chips and start chomping on them. It's nothing special, no one taking or giving any good dares or truths. Lapis pretty much does her own thing, stares at Pearl, eats chips, laughs at Amethyst who is also laughing at nothing and laying on some blonde girl she didn't notice come in. Amethyst does some dare that involves her eating a cigarette or something and she gives Lapis a shit-eating-grin afterwards. "Lapis! Truth or dare?"  
It takes a moment for Lapis to register that she's actually talking to her. "Oh, uhm, dare...?" She forgot she was still playing.  
"I know you like Peridot and since you won't grow a pair and ask her out, make her moan."  
"What the fuck?" /Wtf the fuck/  
"You heard me, Peri, you okay with that?" Amethyst glances over to the drunk leaning against the wall.  
Peridot laughs. "Yeeeeeaaaahhhhh, I'm down."  
"You gotta do it." Amethyst smiles almost evilly.  
"Noooooooooooo." Lapis covers her face, burning hot. /Why, I thought we were friends./  
Pearl glares at Amethyst then at Peridot who doesn't notice. "She doesn't /have/ to."  
"Holy shit, just do it." Ruby throws her arms up, losing the little patients she had.  
Lapis groans loudly. "Fine. You guys fucking suck ass." She crawls over to Peridot, moves close enough to smell the cheap booze on her breath. "Just... make this fast, please?"  
Peridot shrugs. "I'm not moaning unless it's like, you know, earned."  
"You're a fucking bitch." Lapis nearly growls before pressing their lips together. She tastes exactly how she smells, like Mountain Dew mixed with cheap vodka. A tongue slips past her own lips and she almost pulls back. /Ew no no no no no no./ Lapis pushes the muscle back into the owner's mouth and instead distracts her by biting her lip. Not surprisingly, Peridot almost whimpers. When they were little almost the same thing happened. They were playing truth or dare with some friends, and of course, Lapis was dared to make out with her. Peridot told her later that she really liked it and that it felt good and all these things but Lapis just brushed her off. She was only eleven and tried to forget, but now that's what she can't push out of her mind. She opens her eyes for a second and sees that everyone has gathered around. /Good luck trying to live with this./ /They won't let you forget./ Out of the corner of her eye she looks at Pearl, her face is completely flushed and she's biting her lip. /No, stop./ /Stop getting distracted and finish this bullshit./ Closing her eyes again, she presses her thigh in between Peridots before moving to her neck to kiss her roughly.  
Peridot pushes Lapis' hands up her shirt. "Do something with these." The blonde hisses. /Holy fuck, nooooooo./ But she obeys, wanting this shit to be over with. Hands slipping under a tight bra, feels around and she can't help but feel like some porn star with everyone watching them like this. Peridot's breath picks up slightly and she starts to rock her hips back and forth on Lapis' thigh. /You used to do that to Jasper./  
/No, please, not right now./  
/You're no better than her for doing this./  
/There was probably a way out of this./  
/Why didn't you try to get out of this?/  
"Fuck..." The blonde whines. Lapis squeezes the boobs in her hands and bites down on the space underneath Peridot's ear and pushes her thigh up. "Shit-Lapis-!" Her moan is loud and high pitched and right as Lapis hears it, she leans back. Wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, trying to rid her mouth of the taste of Peridot.  
"Damn!" Amethyst laughs, patting her on the back.  
"Fuck you."  
"That was so hot." Peridot mumbles dreamily.  
"Shut the fuck up." Lapis crawls back to sit next to Pearl. "Ruby, truth or dare?"  
"After that? Truth." Ruby crosses her arms.  
"Out of everyone here, not including Sapphire, who would you give oral to?"  
The girl in question's face turns even redder than it was. "What-"  
"Just answer it." Lapis tries to mimic her.  
"No, I'm already-"  
"It's okay, Rubs. I don't care." Sapphire rests her chin on Ruby's shoulder.  
Ruby huffs and thinks about the question for a second. "I don't know... Maybe Amethyst? Just because we've known eachother forever and... I don't know..?"  
Amethyst blushes slightly. "Whatever, you couldn't handle /this/." She motions to her body.  
"Doesn't matter because I'm not on the market. Kid who needs more sunlight, truth or dare?" Ruby points to Sour Cream.  
"Dare."  
Lapis stops paying attention to them and attempts to focus on her fading high. It's not often she lets herself get this high, so she wants to enjoy it. Though it's hard to enjoy it when the voice in her head is screaming all the reasons why she's a terrible person for doing that. She rests her head on Pearl's shoulder with a sigh while trying to drown out the voice with the sound of the music from downstairs. It helps for a while, or at least until Pearl rests her hand on Lapis', and it gives her another thing to focus on. Reluctantly, Pearl slips her fingers in between the others and Lapis withholds a small smile and she runs her thumb over Pearl's. /This fucking nerd./ /At least she can help a bit./ They stay like that until Pearl is dared to do something and let's go and Lapis plummets back into the abyss of her mind. /Haha, fuck./  
/You shouldn't be here./ /No one really wants you here./ /They just needed people to come and you were there when it was brought up./ /Holy fuck, I know./  
Now she's outside. She doesn't remember the trip downstairs or finding the back door somehow. Barely acknowledges the bright blue pool that she almost falls in. But now she's sitting on the side of a pool chair, taking out a cigarette from the carton, making sure to break the menthol bubble in the filter. Jasper always hated menthol cigarettes, but they always calmed Lapis down. It might be because of the minty flavor, but it also might be a reminder that she can smoke them without Jasper bashing her. That Jasper can't stop her. That she's no one's prisoner but her own. /This is fucking stupid./  
A delicate hand on her shoulder wakes her from her daze. She looks up to find Pearl sitting across on another chair. Her cigarette is already almost to the filter making her realize that she's been out here for longer than she thought. "Found you." Her words slur together. She probably drank more when Lapis wasn't looking. She must have been glaring or something because Pearl automatically becomes smaller. "S-sorry... You just kind of left and no one saw where you went so..." The older one offers a smile. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. You looked really sad."  
"I'm fine." But they both know it’s a lie and Lapis begins to wonder why she is so sad anyway.  
They stare at eachother for what feels like forever. Like the others face will somehow explain what's wrong. Of course, it doesn't so Pearl moves on. "Smoking isn't good for you."  
"I know. That's why I do it." Lapis takes a final drag of the cigarette before throwing it into the pool.  
"Explain?" Pearl leans forward with interest like it would be a secret.  
"I know that eventually it will kill me. It's like long term self harm. I can't cut myself right now, but I can try to ruin my lungs right now. If I'm lucky, I'll get cancer and die."  
Pearl blinks a few times. "That's beautiful... I mean... I don't know..." She lays back to look at the stars. Lapis watches her, admiring the way her pale skin looks in the moonlight. "Your ceiling is still prettier than this..." She pauses for a moment. "Holy shit, I'm so drunk. My parents are going to kill me."  
"I thought you were going over to Sapphire's?"  
"I was but her and Ruby kicked everyone out and I'm pretty sure they're gonna be having sex for a while."  
Lapis rests her chin in her hands. "You can stay at my house."  
"Really?" Lapis nods. "Thanks."  
"You wanna go now? This party sucks."  
Pearl stands up, almost falling over, but Lapis catches her while rolling her eyes. "Let me steal a bottle first-"  
"I think you've had enough for tonight-"  
"But I want you to have some too." Pearl whines.  
"No, let's just go." Lapis grabs her hand and begins to lead her through the house. "Want me to drive?" She asks once they're in the front yard.  
"Mmhm." Pearl grabs the keys from her pocket and hands them to Lapis.  
Lapis opens the passengers side for Pearl to help her in but quickly realizes the half full bottle of rum Pearl cradles. "Wh- I said no- How'd you even-?"  
Pearl sits down, laughing. "Just get in."  
She huffs but gets in on the other side and begins to drive them back to her house. "My dad won’t be home until Sunday."  
"Okay. Have you ever had this?" She holds up the bottle.  
"Rum? Yeah." She shrugs, not taking her eyes off the road. /This feels weird./ /What?/ /Feels like she would the one babysitting me./  
"It's passion fruit rum. It's fucking awesome." She reclines her seat until it hits the back seats.  
Lapis looks over to her at a stop sign. /But she does look cute./ /That's gay./ "You're gonna get alcohol poisoning."  
"No I'm not? You used to drink more than me, didn't you?"  
She almost laughs as she pulls into her driveway. "Yeah." She hops out then goes to Pearl's side to open her door. Pearl stands and folds her arm over Lapis'.  
"Can I borrow some clothes to sleep in?" Lapis nods, unlocking the door and entering the vacant house. "Can I wear that star hoodie you were wearing today?"  
"Yeah. But it’s my favorite so you can't throw up on it." She opens the door to her room. Pearl sits on Lapis' bed as the younger girl finds the hoodie. (Still at the bottom of the bed). "I'm gonna go get you some food so you don't get too sick from the alcohol." She throws Pearl the hoodie along with some black leggings before exiting. She goes to the laundry room and finds another hoodie and some shorts for herself, then changes quickly. On her way back to the room, she grabs a few slices of bread.  
Pearl stands in front of the window, wearing the hoodie but it seems she decided against the pants. Lapis glances down at her butt, covered in bright pink and grey striped panties. Not very big, but has a nice shape. /Stop looking./ "Eat this." She comes to stand at the taller girl's side, offering her a slice of bread.  
"No." Pearl shoves her hands in the front pocket.  
"Why not?" /You know why./  
She turns to her, looks her up and down then back out the window. "Mmmmm... Don't want to get fat."  
Lapis' shoulders slump. "Okay first of all, there's nothing wrong with being fat. Second, a few pieces of bread won’t make you gain weight."  
"If you make me eat it, then I'll just throw it up." She tilts her head a bit.  
"I won’t let you then. If you just eat it, it'll make you less sick later."  
The strawberry blonde huffs. "Only if you eat one and drink some of this with me." She points to the bottle of rum resting on Lapis' bed. "It would be a shame if it just went to waste."  
"Holy fuck, fine." Lapis throws her hands up then steps back to fall on her bed. Pearl sits on her knees beside her, grabbing the bottle of booze. Pearl hands it to her as she sits back up.  
She takes a few gulps, deciding that she deserves to get fucked up. "You like it?" Pearl smiles.  
"Sure." Lapis hold out a piece of bread for her. "That was basically like three shots, so you need to eat three normal bites of bread."  
Her smile quickly fades into a frown. "Fine." Without actually taking it, she leans down and takes the decided amount of bites from Lapis' hand.  
Lapis can't help but laugh. "You dork."  
It goes like that for a while, somewhere along the line Lapis let Pearl start drinking again. The bread is now gone and there's only about one third of the bottle left. Pearl's leaning against the headboard while Lapis is sitting across from her, eyes closed, swaying to the music only she can hear. Pearl puts her feet on Lapis' lap, waking the latter up from her drunken dream. "Lapis?"  
"Yeah?" She slowly falls onto her side, her legs still in the same place.  
"Do you ever feel like... Like if people knew who you really are and what you actually do that... They'll hate you?" Lapis nods, dark blue eyes meeting light blue. "I mean, I grew up thinking that everything was innocent, I guess. Like no one drank until they were twenty one. People waited until marriage to have sex. Drugs would never actually come up in my life, that it was just something teachers and parents warned me about. That no one ever just... Hurt themselves to feel less hurt and you kept your food down because it was a normal thing to do."  
"I feel. It scared me but then, what do you know? I was breaking razors and disabling pencil sharpeners. And scissors weren't just for paper." She switches to lay on her back, face still staring at Pearl's.  
Pearl nods, tears welling up in her eyes. "I just wish... I didn't feel so empty all the time..."  
"Same. But... I guess I got used to it? It's like there's this huge hole through me and at first it hurt like a bitch because it was new, and like I was missing something that I never had. But over time it just... stopped hurting so bad. But it's still there and sometimes I'm like doing something and it reminds me that I'm fucked up and it's like I spilled lemon juice in a cut and it starts hurting again."  
By now, tears are falling from Pearl's eyes. Lapis sits up and holds the other's face with both hands, wiping away tears with her thumbs. "Yeah." Her voice cracks, hands holding onto Lapis' wrists. "God, I hate myself so much... But I guess I'm glad you feel the same- shit, I mean- I don't like that you hate yourself- you're amazing, it's just-" Lapis puts both thumbs over Pearl's lips so she'll stop talking.  
"It's okay. I may be drunk as fuck right now but I know what you're saying. It's getting really late and you need to sleep so your parents don't get suspicious." Slowly, Pearl nods so Lapis lets go of her cheeks. She drops her hands to her lap but Pearl wraps her arms around her in a hug, so she hugs her back. They hug for a while, until Pearl's tears stop flowing onto Lapis' shoulder. Pearl pulls back slightly, almost if she's unsure of letting her go. Before she releases her completally, Pearl presses their lips together. Lapis freezes, not really knowing what to do, but still lets her continue on for a few more seconds. Once she actually pulls back, Lapis and her crawl under the blankets together. Lapis doesn't think too much about it for now, and Pearl forgets as sleep takes them.

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

 

Lapis wakes up at about nine in the morning, the realization of what Pearl had done seeping into her mind. So she slips out of bed carefully as to not wake the other, grabs some clothes and locks herself in the bathroom. She takes off the hoodie and she's about to put on a bra when she gets distracted by her reflection. The cuts on her arms are barely noticeable but the ones on her stomach and hips are bright red and new. She used to think her scars were pretty, and that the fresh cuts were absolutely beautiful. That feeling hasn't faded completely but now as she looks at the girl in the mirror, all she can think is ugly. Ugly and fat and misshapen. She sucks in her stomach a bit, only to find that it makes her ribs more visible. /Fucking ugly./ /How could even Jasper want this?/ And the thought brings her back to the kiss. The last person who had actually kissed her first was Jasper. And it was never as soft as Pearl did it last night. Always rough and hard like she was trying to prove something. /No one will ever want you./ /What about Pearl?/ /She was just drunk, she probably doesn't even remember./ She runs her hands through her hair and finishes getting dressed. She slips on a grey beanie before going back to her room. Pearl is sitting up now, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Lapis decides to ignore her for now and sits on her windowsill. Grabbing a lighter to mess with. She lights it a few times, looking back to Pearl. "Good morning..."  
Pearl groans, laying back. "My head-"  
"Told you. I'll give you something for it if you eat something first."  
"Noooooooo..."  
"Have fun with your hangover then." Pearl glares at her from under the blankets. "Okay, okay. I know it's hard to just eat, but it's gonna make you feel better. And after this I'll stop bugging you about it." /Liar./  
Pearl seems to be thinking it over in her head before she lets out a sigh. "Fine. Just... give me a minute."  
Lapis turns to stare at the window again. She hears Pearl stand followed by the shuffling sound of her putting her pants on. /Does she remember?/ /I don't know./ /Say something-/ /No-/ /Just do it-/ /Fuck no-/ "Do you remember kissing me last night?"  
The shuffling of clothes stops behind her, so she turns. Pearls eyes are wide, cheeks bright red. "I what?"  
"I guess not then..."  
"I kissed you?"  
"Yeah, but it's okay I guess. We were drunk, it's not like it meant anything."  
"Y-yeah..." She hesitated though, long enough for Lapis to wince. /Oh no./  
/Subject change-/ "What do you want for breakfast?" She turns to look out the window again, pretending she didn't notice the pause. "I could cook, but I'm not very good. Or if you want to drive, I'll pay for McDonalds. They started an all day breakfast thing-"  
"I'm sorry."  
"Yo, it's fine."  
Pearl stares at her feet for a moment before taking a deep breath. "McDonald's is fine, I suppose."  
Lapis jumps off the windowsill and slips on some black vans. Pearl watches her, pulling the sleeves of the sweatshirt down over her hands. "You can still wear that if you want..."  
Her face lights up slightly. "Are you sure, you said it's your favorite."  
Lapis slings her arm over Pearls shoulder, which doesn't really work because of the height difference. "Don't worry. Let’s go."  
After Pearl finds her shoes, they walk out to the parked car out in front. Lapis laughs at how crooked she parked and Pearl can't help a cracked smile. They get in on the right sides and begin to drive. They let the silence take them while trying to forget the pounding in their heads. Pearl seems too invested in driving to notice Lapis staring at her. /Why you staring?/ /Out of all the people who could have drunk kissed me last night, I'm glad it was her./ /That's really gay./ She blushes realizing her own thoughts before looking out the window. Moments later they pull into the parking lot.  
"What do you want?" Lapis asks, unbuckling herself.  
"I guess I'll just have whatever you're having." Pearl says, opening her door, not even looking over.  
Lapis follows her in. "What's wrong?"  
She shrugs. "Just feel stupid. I was so drunk last night that I barely remember the drive to your house."  
"We all have those nights where we get shit-faced drunk. I'm sorry, though." The beeping and smell of grease fills the room as they stand in the back of the short line.  
"No, don't be sorry. It was my fault I drank too much. You were just taking care of me." Pearl looks over at her.  
They stare for a slight moment before Lapis looks down. "You kissing me wasn't the worst thing that could have happened last night. So don't feel bad. At least it was me and not some random person who would have taken advantage of you." Pearl breathes in sharp and reluctantly lets it out. Lapis orders quickly and gets their number. Pearl leads them to a small booth in the back.  
Pearl sits down sadly, her head resting on the window next to her. Lapis frowns. /Do something.../ She slides in next to her and wraps her arms around Pearl's slim figure. They're both tense for a moment, but almost in sync, they relax; the older girl deciding to rest her head on the others. "Don't be sad. You're gonna make me even sadder and I don't want to go down that road today."  
"I'll try." Lapis doesn't have to look up to know she cracked a smile. Pearl slings her arm over Lapis' shoulder.  
Lapis shuts her eyes, enjoying the warmth coming from her friend. She tries to place what Pearl smells like (other than rum from last night) but she can't do it. It's pleasant though. All that can come to her mind is warm... /Does that even have a smell?/ "Here you go ladies." A worker places a tray on the table with their food on it.  
"We could have gotten it ourselves. You didn't have to bring it out...?" Lapis yawns.  
"No, it's fine. You two looked comfy. Wouldn't want to break up a pair." She winks and walks away.  
Pearl sits up straight. "We're not together- I'm not gay!"  
The worker just laughs as she disappears into the back. Lapis laughs at Pearls pink face. "You're adorable." She sits up and grabs her hashbrown to nibble on.  
"I-That's gay." Pearl puts a hand over her mouth to hide her smile.  
/I know.../

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk  
> let me know what you think and suggestions are always welcome because i'm not sure where i'm going with this anymore


	6. Currency of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is gay

The following month or so was far from Lapis’ worst. But even further from her best.

The first week, Amethyst and Ruby were thoroughly convinced that her and Peridot were head over heels for eachother. Which, they are half right. Peridot seems to be crazy for Lapis. Sitting especially close to her at lunch and in TA. Somehow got her number and texts her constantly. Asking what they would be doing if they were alone together. What she’s wearing. ‘And then what ;)’. Texting like a straight, CIS, white boy. Or a new text she keeps getting is ‘What are we?’. And of course Lapis responds with things like ‘less than friends.’ or ‘nothing, that night meant nothing’. And she ignores her every time. On top of that, Pearl seems like she’s walking on eggshells whenever the two are around each other. She’s not though, and not matter how many times Lapis reminds her that she really didn’t mind the kiss, the older girl still acts careful.

It’s Wednesday after everything happened and Peridot is walking Lapis to TA, much to her dismay, when she gets a text.

Pearl:  
Meet me in the north bathroom?

Lapis shrugs. “I gotta go meet someone.” She begins walking another direction.

Peridot follows her for a moment. “Who?”

“My dealer. But you won’t tell anyone that, would you?” She bats her eyelashes and the fake blonde blushes.

“Of course not.”

They go their separate ways and not too long later she walks into the bathroom. Pearl looks up from her phone, she’s leaning against the wall. “What’s up?”

Pearl looks around the empty bathroom before taking a deep breath. “Cannabis… It makes you relaxed, right?”

“Pretty much. Also improves your mood and things like that. Why?” Lapis smiles.

“Uhm… I would… Like to try it- Just because I’m really stressed.”

Lapis pretends she doesn’t know that she’s lying. “I can get you some whenever. I got some more yesterday, if you wanna do it today. YOu sure you want to? I don’t want you to freak out about it later or anything.” Pearl nods. “Wanna go now? I don’t think TA takes roll.” The bell rings then.

“Yes, and no she doesn’t take roll.”

“Alright, we got forty-five minutes.”

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

“So you hold the carb and put it to your mouth.” Lapis explains while doing so. “Light it and start inhaling, not too hard though.” She finishes explaining before holding the flame to the herb. Pearl watches, wringing her hands and chewing her lip. Soon, Lapis exhales the smoke to the side and holds out the pipe. “You still sure?”

“I’m sure. I’ve been thinking about this for a while.” She gently takes the pipe.

“You want me to light it? It’s kinda weird the first time.”

Pearl nods and holds the glass to her lips. Lapis watches her as she lights it and signals for her to start. The older girl nods and begins. She pulls away after about five seconds and begins to cough. Lapis covers her smile and watches Pearl hide her face in Lapis’ mound of pillows, gasping. Once the coughing stops Lapis sets down the pipe and lighter and lays down next to Pearl, rubbing her back. “You okay?” She laughs. It takes a moment for her to put a thumbs up and Lapis laughs even harder. It’s another three minutes until Pearl finally sits up. “Do you feel different?” Lapis asks, trying to contain her smile.

“Yes. A little bit.”

“I’d say we have three or four more hits out of that bowl. You down for another?” She grabs the supplies again.

Slowly Pearl smiles. “Yeah.” She nods.

“Oh my god! You’re high! It’s adorable.”

“Shhh, don’t say that!” Pearl laughs and hits Lapis’ leg softly.

Lapis ignores her, taking her hit quickly before handing it back to Pearl who handles it better than before. The blue haired teen watches in fascination as Pearl hands it back to her. Her face twists up slightly but otherwise is alright. The two last hits go by quick and they can barely remember taking it when they’re laying down, facing each other on the bed.

“Pearl, no homo but you're kinda cute.” Lapis smiles, tracing Pearl’s collar bone with her pointer finger.

She shivers under the touch. “No, not really… But you are.”

“Ha! Nope. You're like so cute it's unbearable and shit.”

“There's nothing cute about me, I mean I'm too tall and too skinny… But you're beautiful with your slightly below average height and cute curves.” Pearl stops the others and and holds it.

“No, stop. Don't you say that you're not cute. Because your eyes are like really pretty and your hair is fluffy but pointy and it's amazing. Your height and weight is perfect for you, too.”

Pearl laughs but she's shaking her head. “You don't need to lie-”

“But I'm not.” Lapis puts her hand on Pearl’s cheek so she's looking at her. “ I don't lie about shit like this.”

“Neither do I.” Lapis can feel Pearl’s cheeks heat up under her hand as her own do too. She smiles slightly.

Pearl leans over Lapis, face hovering only inches above the others. Lapis keeps her hand on the cheek still. /She's going to kiss you.../ /I know/ /Well then stop her/ /I don't know/ And just as she predicted, soft, thin lips meet her own. Lapis decides to kiss back this time. They slowly move their lips in sync and Lapis mentally smiles at the feeling of Pearl's lip gloss spreading onto her lips.

Lapis can't decide if Pearl pulls away slowly or fast, but the lips leave hers and Pearl leans her forehead on Lapis’. “I'm sorry…” Her eyes close.

Lapis sighs. “It's fine.” /Is it?/ /I don't know/

“It won't happen again…”

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

Lies. It happened again. And again and again. Pearl and her would do the same thing after school for about a week and somehow the older girl would sneak in a kiss. It’s not like Lapis didn't like the kisses, she loved the pale girl's lips on her own, but the thought that they were always disoriented when it always happened that disfigured her. But of course she never could figure out a way to confront her about such a thing. There were too many things that could go wrong. They could ignore the fact that it made her uncomfortable and keep doing it. Pearl could apologize and never do it again, which Lapis has decided on being a bittersweet problem. She could just stop talking to Lapis. Or they could decide on being a couple and allow themselves the vulnerability of hurting each other. Either of them could get hurt in the process. And Lapis can’t do that to her. She’s not sure if the older one could handle such a thing, let alone herself.

So instead, she makes up excuses. The week after she picks up on the pattern she tells Pearl that she’s grounded and can’t have anyone over. The next week after her ‘grounding’ she says that her dealer can’t get anymore for a while. The third week she can’t think of any excuses, but Pearl stopped asking so she decided that was good enough of an excuse. 

It’s Friday night when the two are hanging out in Pearl’s room. Pearl at her desk doing homework, Lapis sitting cross legged on the bed, strumming away at her ukulele. Nothing seems out of the ordinary until Pearl nearly slams down her pencil and swings around in her chair to face Lapis. “Are you okay?” She asks, though her voice sounds more frustrated than concerned.

Lapis jumps at the sudden raise of her voice. She stops her song and looks across the room to her. “What do you mean?” Honestly, what /did/ she mean?

“You’ve been acting distant this last week and if I did something wrong then you need to tell me!” 

“You didn’t-”

Pearl cuts her off. “Then what’s wrong?”

Lapis sighs and sets down the ukulele. /She’s mad/ /No, she’s concerned/ / Well, she’ll be mad if you tell her/ /Maybe she won’t/ /It’s not like you need friends anyway/ /Just say something, she’s staring/ “I… Am I really that terrible that you can only kiss me when you’re high?” She almost yells but remembers that her parents are in the next room and that they can’t know about these things.

The older girls face turns pink. “No, I’m just not thinking straight and my mind is-”

“Pearl, stop. I don’t care if you weren’t thinking right, you kept doing it and that’s what matters.” Her throat tightens like she wants to cry. But she can’t. Not now at least.

They stare at eachother. Lapis notices tears in Pearl’s eyes. She wants them to fall so she can wipe them away. But at the same time she needs them to stay there, because she’ll wipe them away and- not now. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be just answer my question.”

Pearl wipes her eyes and takes a shaky breath. “I just… Haven’t felt this way for anyone before and… It’s not like I can kiss you when we’re sober. And me being high is a good excuse as to why I would do it but… It’s not just when I’m high that I want to kiss you- It’s all the time!” She throws her arms up in frustration. Lapis crosses her arms, trying her hardest not to blush. “When you’re playing your ukulele and when you’re really trying to study you just get this look of concentration on your face and it’s so cute and- I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

Lapis stares out the dark window. “I’m not though. Trust me, you do not want to open that book with me.”

“But I do.” Lapis’ eyes flicker back to Pearl’s tear filled ones. “I want to make you happy…” Big fat tears begin rolling down her pale cheeks, leaving pink streaks as they go. “I want to be with you and it hurts really bad… I understand if you don’t feel the same…”

“I never said that.”

“Yes, but-”

“Shh… Just…” Lapis stands and walks to Pearl, wiping her damn tears away just like she said she wouldn’t. “Just shut up, okay? I-I like you too… I’m just… Still recovering, y’know? I like kissing you and snuggling with you. But, I’m scared too.”

“So am I.” Pearl stands.

Lapis pulls her into a hug. “I… don’t want to get hurt again. I can’t-”

“I won’t hurt you.” Pearl rests her head on top of Lapis’. Now Lapis is crying too. /God fucking damn it/ “I promise.”

After about a minute of Lapis trying to suck up her own tears she decides that it’s not going to happen. She pulls back from the hug just enough to pull Pearl’s lips down to hers. The kiss deepens quick as Pearl pulls her in closer by her waist. It lasts a long time and neither of them are sure if they want to pull away. Because when they do, they’ll have to decide where it goes from here. What the next step in their dance is. But eventually they part with a small smack of their lips and go back into their hug. “I’m going to make you happy.” The taller of the two whispers.

And Lapis is back to crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also thanks for the comments, they help a lot


	7. The Sun Smells Too Loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was gonna lead into something better but i have no idea why it turned out this way  
> also i didn't know what to call this chapter but i'm listening to a song entitled the same thing so  
> OH AND ALSO i have nothing against religious people and i'm sorry if this offends you, just know that was not my intention, thats just how people have treated me so....

“On my way to church today, I saw two gays holding hands in the store. An absolutely disgusting sight. Made everyone uncomfortable. So I took the Lord’s power into my hands and I approached them.”

Pearl shifts uncomfortably in her seat and pulls at the hem of her skirt. Another middle aged white man stands at the pulpit, staring into the pews as if he was making sure everyone was listening. Pearl’s eyes roam over the rows, seeing that nearly everyone is paying attention, the exception being some toddlers coloring.

“It was then that I repeated God’s words from Leviticus 20:13 “If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltness is upon them”. One of the young men said that it was fine by him. So now I ask of all of you to pray for the men taken by the devil himself. Pray for the unfortunate souls and maybe the Lord will forgive them. Maybe they’ll come to their senses and be guided by God’s light.”

Everyone nods their heads while they say “Amen!” in unison.

Pearl looks over to her mother, nodding her head and saying a prayer under her breath. Her father repeating amen a few times. She laces her fingers together and holds her breath.

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

“How ironic that they talked about being gay like two days after you confessed how gay you were for me.” Lapis chuckles, running her fingertips over Pearl’s arms.

“It’s rather ridiculous how they act. People can love who they want to love. Why is that such a difficult concept- Stop that, it tickles.” She finishes with a smile, slapping Lapis’ hand away playfully.

She smiles lazily. “People just suck.”

Pearl closes her eyes. “Agreed.”

Lapis stares at her. She can see pale skin where her sweatpants and t-shirt are supposed to connect but fail to do so. At first glance it looks like it’s never endured any type of pain, but Lapis can see even lighter lines running along the skin on her hip. Still, she’s amazed by how perfect it is compared to her own. /Does she even know how amazing she is?/

It’s been easier to accept her feelings since last Friday. She’s okay with how lovely Pearl is and how much she appreciates her. It’s so easy, yet so complicated. Complicated because there’s still the thought that it’s all fake. Maybe Pearl just wants to test her own feelings. She just wants to experiment. But at the same time Lapis knows she isn’t. It’s so complicatedly simple.

“You’re beautiful.” Lapis finally says.

It takes a moment before Pearl replies. “So are you.” She says while opening her eyes again.

The blue haired girl takes a deep breath, studying Pearl’s blue eyes. She snakes an arm behind the others midsection and pulls her closer, giving her a kiss on the forehead. “You wanna spend the night?”

“Of course I do. But my parents probably won’t allow it. We have school tomorrow.”

“It’s not like we’ll be partying all night.”

“I know.”

Lapis sits up and sits on her knees, still facing Pearl. “Please…”

“Don’t ask me, ask my parents.” Pearl chuckles.

“No… Dinner then?”

“Hm…” Pearl considers it.

A knock at the bedroom door ends her train of thought and Lapis turns around as her dad cracks the door open. “Oh, hey, Pearl. Lapis, do you want Outback for dinner? I just got paid so we can finally afford it… Pearl, if it’s alright with your parents, you can eat with us, I’ll order you some too.”

“Ha, we were just talking about that.” Lapis smiles and looks back to Pearl. “Stay?”

“I’m sure it will be alright with my parents. I’ll call them.” She pulls out her phone and begins to get to the call screen.

“Alright, just let me know. Lapis, text me your orders, I have to pick up my board from the shop and get some things before so…” He glances around the room. “Don’t break any laws while I’m gone.”

“I can’t promise anything.” Lapis jokes. Her dad laughs before shutting the door again. 

She turns back to Pearl, not really paying attention to the conversation she’s having with her mom. Lapis sighs and stretches.

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

“I believe in you.” Lapis stares at Pearl, resting the side of her face on the kitchen table. “Just a few more bites.”

“No, I’ll pay your dad back.”

“Pearl, he doesn’t care. I just care that you haven’t eaten anything since Friday.” 

Pearl stares down at the stake her and Lapis split, her half is almost gone while Lapis’ is. “I’m… I don’t want to.”

Lapis sighs. “Okay, fine. But promise you’ll eat breakfast. I don’t want you to starve to death. If I’m not allowed to do it, neither are you.” She stands and puts the food back into the carry-out container and places it in the fridge. “You can come back for it.”

“Thank you… I’m sorry I’m so… Difficult.” She stands and pushes in her chair.

Lapis leans against the counter. “You’re not. I just wish I could like… help you, y’know? I mean you don’t deserve to hate your body that much.”

“Neither do you. And it’s not only that I hate my body, even if I somehow learned to love myself the way I am, anorexia would still be engraved into my mind. At this point it’s just a matter of routine.” Pearl stands in front of her and holds out her hand. Lapis places hers in Pearls and the older girl laces their fingers together. “I do appreciate how much you care for me, though.”

“Mmhm. I feel you.” She feels small all of a sudden and slowly she can feel heat rising to her cheeks. Pearl stares at her for some time, deciding to wrap her arms around Lapis’ waist instead. “I’ll get you out of that ‘routine’ eventually.”

“Thank you.” Pearl smiles.

“But you can’t leave for at least an hour now.”

“Why?” Though she’s not complaining.

“Can’t let you go throw up all the progress we just made.” She says in a joking tone even though she’s serious.

Pearl laughs. “Damn, you sound like a doctor.”

Eventually they decide to go back to Lapis’ room and watch some documentary about space. But Lapis can’t focus on anything but the way Pearl looks so invested in it. Don’t get her wrong, Lapis loves space. She just doesn’t want to focus on that tonight. So instead she lays on her side and pulls Pearl to lay with her, which she doesn’t really fight, just stares at her with a blush. Once they’re laying down together, Lapis lets her get back into the show a little bit before she puts her mouth on the others neck, knowing it’ll make the older girl flustered, before blowing the loudest raspberry she can on the others neck.

Pearl is silent just long enough for Lapis to worry that she fucked up. But her anxieties melt away when Pearl begins to laugh. “You’re a little shit.”

“You’re a fucking nerd.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh and sorry for not updating in like 82 years. i'm having troubles trying to convince myself to keep living lmao. this made me feel a bit better tho :/


	8. Leeches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long. i think i say that every time but for real... i tried to make this one a little longer and there was gonna be more but i decided to put that into the next chapter.

Days are hard. Nights are harder. Things were getting better. But now Lapis is lying on the couch staring at the ceiling fan wondering how long it would take her to drown herself in the bathtub. The day feels gray even though it’s quite sunny outside. She skipped school and Pearl has been texting her all day. Eventually the blue headed one lets her know that she’s still alive, even if she rather not be. To which Pearl responds with something along the lines of “I’ll try to come over after school”. And Lapis doesn’t care. She tries to look forward to seeing the blonde but something inside her keeps overlapping those emotions with numbness.

Was she ever actually better? She still had hard times at night when she was by herself and sleep wouldn’t take her. She still felt relatively depressed during the day when she wasn’t around her group of ‘friends’. Could she even call them that? Lapis only really hangs out with Pearl. Sometimes Peridot, Amethyst and Ruby and Sapphire but she barely knows them. They’ve only hung out during the party and the only thing that comes to her mind when she thinks about the party is the part where she was making out with Peridot. (Kissing Pearl being another story, she remembers every second of that.) So she just tries to forget that. It reminds her too much of Jasper. But her mind never would do what she told it to, and that’s all she can think about.

/Get out of my fucking mind./

/But.../

/I miss you.../

/No you don’t. You can’t miss Jasper./

/I know but I do.../

/After all she’s done to you?/

/I miss her./

/No, stop. You miss the way she made you feel like you were important./

/Which is what Pearl does. Y’know, the girl who really likes you? The one you really like back./

/I know./

/I just/

/Can’t get her out of my mind.../

“Fuck!” Lapis brings tightly closed fists to her eyes, digging her knuckles in as if it could relieve her of her emotions. She can feel hot tears on her fingers which makes her feel even worse because /I can’t let Jasper see me cry/. But Jasper isn’t here. 

/She’s not here. She’s not here. She never will be./

It feels like Lapis is breathing multiple times at once and before she knows it, she’s sitting on her bed with her pocket knife. She digs the tip into the skin of her thigh and that’s when she recognizes what’s happening. But she doesn’t stop yet, does a few deep cuts, blood easily flowing from the not so thin lines. That’s when she stops. Her breathing is just in and out and not layered. Her tears are drying to her cheeks, leaving them itchy and slightly irritated. She doesn’t care though. She just cares about how carried away she just got. How the flashbacks don’t even seem like flashbacks sometimes and instead just deepened thoughts. That’s how they all start any way.

Wiping away the blood onto her covers, she stands, deciding to wash them when she feels better. She finds her phone on the floor next to the couch and with shaky fingers texts Pearl.

-hey i know you’re in class but i

She pauses for a second to wipe new tears away. When had she started crying again?

-i can’t be alone right now…

Send.

Lapis goes back to lay on her bed, covering her now cut up thighs with the blood stained blankets. All she can think of is why. /whydididothatwhydididothatwhydididothat/ Over and over again until she can’t hear anything but her mind screaming at her. Asking why she’s so weak and why she can’t forget Jasper and why can’t she just be normal and why can’t she just be dead and why didn’t she kill herself and why-

Her phone rings and she jumps slightly, having to come back to reality. It’s Pearl calling and out of all the voices saying to not answer it, she does anyway.

“Lapis?” 

Lapis screws her eyes shut. “What class?” She asks.

“I’m supposed to be in third right now, but I used the hall pass so I could call you.” 

Her voice sounds smooth and Lapis just wants to have her talk to her forever. She lets out a small whine and turns on her side.

“Are you at your house?”

“Yeah…”

“Get your shoes on, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. You can do that?” Pearl asks, Lapis can hear a door swinging open then closing loudly.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Stay alive till I get there, don’t do anything bad. Have you eaten today?”

Lapis frowns at how much she cares. /I don’t deserve you./ “No.”

“Have you taken your meds?”

“No.”

“Eat something, take them and get your shoes on. You need to get out, you’re always stuck in your house.”

“Alright.” She replies weakly before rolling over in her bed. She doesn’t want to get up. She doesn’t want to do anything.

“Lapis?” Pearl asks, wondering if she’s still paying attention or if she’s even still on the phone. The one in question makes a small noise so Pearl continues. “I’m proud of you.”

 

“Why? I skip school, hurt myself and lay around all day. Why would you be proud of me?”

“Because you’re still alive.” She can hear Pearl start her car. “You’ve been through so much but you’re still here. Even if you skip school sometimes or hurt yourself sometimes you’re still here. That’s better than what I could have done if I’d been through the same.”

Lapis closes her eyes tightly, not to let tears spill. A lump forms in her throat and she can’t say anything.

“I’ll see you soon.” Pearl responds after a moment of silence. She hangs up and starts to drive over.

The teen lays there for a few more minutes. Her mind is quiet for a long time. It’s strange how just talking to Pearl shut up the voices. She wishes Pearl could always be there to silence them. She feels even emptier knowing that Pearl won’t always be there. /Let’s see how long she can put up with you before she realizes you’re too much./

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

As Pearl pulls up, she sees Lapis sitting on her front steps. She wears black skinny jeans, an unbuttoned red flannel and high tops with her hair up in a messy bun. She smokes a cigarette and puts it out when she notices Pearl’s car. Lapis stands and gets in the car without a word and Pearl see’s her sunken in eyes. “You alright?”

Lapis shakes her head. “Not really.”

“Where do you wanna go?” Pearl asks, putting the car into reverse.

She thinks about it for a second. “The ocean.” The first thing that comes to her mind.

“Okay.”

“Wait, really?”

Pearl shrugs. “It’s not that far and I want you to feel better.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mmhm.” She holds her hand out for Lapis on the middle console. Lapis accepts it and slides her fingers between Pearl’s.

“You’re… Amazing…” Lapis closes her eyes as they begin to drive. “I don’t deserve you…”

“What?” She raises an eyebrow. How is she supposed to respond to that? “Of course you do.” At least she tried.

“You’re just so nice to me and you treat me like I’m worth something.”

“Because you are.”

Lapis sighs and brings Pearl’s hand to her lips before kissing her knuckles. “You’re sappy.”

The one on the receiving end tries to hide the blush rising in her cheeks. “O-okay.”

Lapis hooks up her phone and they listen to her music for the rest of the drive. Pearl notices that it’s changed from the more up beat music she usually listens to, to a sad english man singing about how he feels annoying and depressed. Lapis has told her a few times how much music means to her. And how it’s usually not the way the music carries, but the lyrics that makes her like a song. Pearl remembers that and listens to the lyrics for the next song that comes on.  
“I feel like a leech to everyone around me   
unsure and false promises I make.   
I invade your existence with my dependence  
and leave you guilt tripped until you take  
care of me, for If not I will surely die.  
I don’t feed or clean myself and I am always high,  
putting pipe dreams before the necessities in life.  
Without your help I have no hope to survive.  
Now I know that sounds pathetic,  
that’s because that’s what I am….”

/Is this why she’s saying she doesn’t deserve me?/

Lapis unrolls her window and rests her head on the door, the strong smell of the ocean filling her nose. She closes her eyes and hums to the song. Having memorized it perfectly .

“Taking all you can give me trying to live in excess.  
You know you’ll make my life much easier, I’ll make your life a mess.  
Squirm away stupid leech boy go and die now in the drain,  
you speak only of your sadness but are yet to feel true pain.

As I get older I also worsen.  
I used to be a better person.  
Growing into a constant burden.  
Introducing man child…”

They arrive at the boardwalk and Pearl begins to look for a place to park. Lapis pauses her music and unhooks her phone from the car. As Pearl pulls into a parking space she takes a deep breath, filled with the smell of the sea. “Are you going to swim?” She asks, hoping the answer is no. Knowing Lapis, she’d probably try to get her to swim also.

“No, I just want to walk along the shore.”

“Alright, sounds good.”

They get out of the car and begin walking down to where the water meets the sand. After a bit of walking Pearl attempts to rid the air of awkwardness by offering Lapis her hand. She takes it without looking up. “So…Why are you so… down today?”

“I just woke up this way. I couldn’t get out of bed so I just laid there listening to sad music.”

“Maybe next time you can listen to happier music then?”

“No, it just feels like it’s mocking me.”

Pearl nods, understanding. Lapis sighs and kicks up some wet sand, sending small chunks flying out in front of them as they walk. “Have you…” Pearl clears her throat. “Have you self-harmed recently?” Lapis glances over to her but stays silent. Pearl squeezes her hand lightly. “That’s okay.”

“No, I know you’re disappointed…”

“No I’m not? Why would you think that?”

“Well, last night I was giving you all these pep talks and trying to get you to stay healthy and stuff just for me to do the opposite the next morning.”

“I’m not disappointed, though. Relapsing is a part of recovery and… it’s probably the easiest to get carried away with. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed and it doesn’t mean I’m disappointed or anything.”

Lapis stares down at her and Pearl’s feet as they continue to walk, she doesn’t respond, just nods her head. Not really wanting to talk about her feelings. She just wants to get away from them, forget them, for a day. Tomorrow she can try again. Pearl accepts her silence even though she still wants to talk and make sure she’s okay. She just wishes Lapis could see how strong she is and how much she means to her. She wants her to love herself.

And the feeling is returned. Lapis wants Pearl to love herself. That’s something they both struggle with. They want the other to be happy and to be content with who they are and they want them to love themselves and see how truly amazing they are; yet, they struggle to do the same for themselves. Sure, they want to get better, but in Lapis’ head, she doesn’t deserve it. In Pearl’s, she’s not worth it.

After a while of walking, they approach a cove, hidden from the rest of the city. Lapis lets go of Pearl’s hand and walks out into the water until the waves crash over her ankles. The cold water seeps into her shoes, sending a shiver up her spine. She sighs in contentment and takes out her hair, letting the short locks fall just above her shoulders. It’s a miracle she got it to stay up in the first place. Pearl stands behind her, still on the dry sand, not wanting to go back to school stinking like the ocean too bad. She smiles to herself, loving the way Lapis looks so at peace. The blue haired teen kicks up some water, nearly getting knocked down by the waves in the process. Pearl takes out her phone and quietly takes a picture before storing it away in her pocket again. She doesn’t want to forget this…

Lapis chuckles and turns around, holding out her hands to Pearl. Her mood seems to have lifted a lot. The ocean does that to her. Pearl looks at her questionly. “What?”

“Hop waves with me?”

“Hop waves?” Pearl asks, still confused but she’s smiling at Lapis’ smile.

“C’mere” Lapis takes Pearl’s hands and leads her out into the cold water until it’s up to their ankles. “When a wave comes, we jump over it… My dad and I would do this when I was little and… I think it’s pretty entertaining.”

Pearl curses under her breath when a small wave hits her legs. “Uhm… Okay…”

Lapis laughs and laces her fingers between Pearl’s. “You ready?” She eyes a tiny wave coming.

“I suppose.”

“One… Two… Three!” Lapis counts and jumps over the wave of water, Pearl jumping just a little bit after her, getting her legs wet. “Jump on three!” Lapis laughs.

“How is this fun?” Pearl asks, unknowingly squeezing Lapis’ hand tightly.

“It just is. Here comes a bigger one, are you ready this time?”

“I don’t know-”

“One… Two… Three!” They jump at the same time, successfully hopping the wave. “Hey, you did it!” Lapis smiles.

“I guess I did..?” Pearl sighs, loosening her grip on Lapis’ hand.

The next wave was even larger, knocking them both down despite jumping at the right time. Laughing, they got up and continued. Before they knew it, an hour had passed before they decided to stop, the water had completely soaked them. Pearl lays down on the sand, letting the sun dry her off and warm her up. Lapis climbing a boulder not too far away. Once she’s at the top, she stands up and looks over the beach, not very many people are there. Just a family packing up pretty far away, probably going home after a long day at the beach. 

Now all of a sudden she feels sad. It’s a little boy, his father and his mother with big pink curls, it looks like they’re laughing. They probably had a good time.

It makes her remember how that could have been her family. She could have had a mom and a dad and a happy family and they could have gone to the beach all the time… It’s not like her and her dad never went to the beach. But she just wishes her mom was there? Maybe. How different would things be if her mother didn’t die? She probably wouldn’t have gotten into so much trouble. She wouldn’t be some stoner that can barely keep herself together. She probably wouldn’t have started cutting, if she didn’t do that, she wouldn’t have lost Peridot, and if she didn’t lose Peridot, she wouldn’t have become a whore, if she didn’t become a whore, she wouldn’t have gotten raped…

And just like that her good mood is gone. She jumps down from the boulder and walks over to Pearl. She stares at her for a moment, Pearl’s eyes are closed, her hands behind her head. Her hair is slightly messed up from the water and her clothes are still somewhat wet, but her skin is dry. Lapis wants to tell her that she likes the way she looks right now but decides against it. She doesn’t want to disrupt the peace. /If I hadn’t gotten raped, I wouldn’t have moved here./ /If I hadn’t moved here I wouldn’t have gone to the same school as Pearl, I’d probably still meet her in the hospital, though./ /But now she’s here./

Lapis drops to her knees and takes off her flannel, leaving her in just a muscle tank. She throws the shirt somewhere, Pearl watches her, having opened her eyes once she heard her sit down. Pearl blushes slightly at Lapis being a little bit more exposed. Her arms are lined with light lines, from her wrists and forearms to her biceps. Lapis notices her staring and lays down next to her, head resting on Pearl’s shoulder, she curls her legs around the others and drapes her arm over Pearl’s stomach.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers, Pearl barley catches it.

“You have no reason to be sorry.” Pearl wraps her arm around Lapis, trying to be smooth without making it obvious how much she’s blushing.

Lapis stays quiet for a little bit before speaking again, changing the subject. “Everyone leaves.” Pearl looks down to her, confused. “I mean… Everyone leaves me eventually. First my mom then Peridot and Jasper… Not to mention the other people along the way…”

Pearl hears her voice crack slightly. “I’m always wondering what my life would be like if people didn’t leave all the time. Like, what if my mom didn’t die, where would I be now? What if Peridot didn’t leave me? I wouldn’t be here and I probably wouldn’t hate myself so much…”

“And I’m just scared that, like, you’ll get sick of me. And you’ll leave and I don’t know-” Pearl can feel tears soak through her shirt. “I don’t want you to leave me? I don’t want… To be alone anymore. But I know eventually you’ll realize how fucked up I am and how clingy I am and you’ll want no part of me-”

Pearl cuts her off. “Lapis, don’t. I’m not going to leave you.”

“Everyone says that…”

“But I mean it, okay?” Pearl sits up, bringing Lapis with her. “First of all, it wasn’t your fault that your mom left, you can’t help that. I bet if she had a choice, she wouldn’t have. Peridot is an asshole and so is Jasper.” Pearl blushes. “I’m not going to leave you, if I can help it. I won’t leave until you tell me to.”

Lapis wipes away her tears and nods slightly. “Okay.” She says even though she feels like she’ll go back on her word soon enough. She pushes that thought away for now and allows Pearl to kiss her head. “You’re so much more… careful than Jasper…”

Pearl shrugs. “Is that bad?”

“No, no… It’s… I like it… I don’t feel like some object.”

“Good, because you’re not.”

Lapis shifts before pulling Pearl down for a kiss. She nearly feels relieved that she can kiss her. That she has the freedom to kiss someone, knowing that she won’t be taken advantage of. Knowing that Pearl probably won’t want any favors in return. She runs her fingers along the nape of Pearl’s neck, sliding into her hair. Enjoying the feeling of her short hair through her fingers. She brings her hands up to the top of her head and ruffles her hair to make it even more messy. Pearl pulls away with a quiet smack of her lips. She takes in deep breaths as she does the same to Lapis’ hair. Lapis smiles and rests her head against Pearl’s. “We stink.”

“Yeah, I guess I can’t go back to school today. I smell like a sailor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also have you guys realized all the chapters are named after/based on songs? this one was leech boy by crywank


	9. How Rude Of Me To Bring My Thoughts Into Your Bedroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had absolutely no inspiration for this chapter and it shows. i don't know how i feel about this one but hopefully i'll get my shit together for next chapter

It had been a few weeks since Pearl and Lapis had become a couple. They decided against telling anyone for a few reasons. One being the fact that there were a few kids who also went to church with Pearl that would no doubt tell her parents if they saw her ‘being gay’. Which ties into the next factor; their friends probably won’t keep it a secret. Ruby, Amethyst and Peridot are loud mouthed and the word would get out easily with them. Sapphire would probably tell Ruby since they’re so close. So they decided it would be best to not tell anyone. Which was easy for the most part. Just wait until after school to kiss and hold hands.

Well, it was easy for the first week or so. Then Lapis realized just how much Peridot flirts with her and how much Amethyst teases her about it. She also realized how Pearl usually comforts her with hugs and kisses and how she won’t do that at school; the place where she has the most panic attacks and probably needs the most comfort. She won’t push Pearl, though. But she can tell the older girl is getting annoyed with it too. So when Lapis does go to school, she usually ditches the classes with any of her friends in them, besides dance. Dance is okay.

Pearl caught on pretty quick to her plan and now she walks her to all of her classes to make sure she doesn’t ditch them. During TA and lunch they either go to Lapis’ house or find a supply closet to hang out in. Anxiety has been a big problem for Lapis lately so those hours are usually spent kissing to relieve her of her stress. Fine by both of them.

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

“Can we just go to my house?” Lapis whines while they’re on their way to Pearl’s house to pick something up during lunch.

“We can go after I get my homework. It will only take a second.”

Lapis huffs in her seat and leans back. It’s not that she doesn’t like Pearl’s house. It’s that every time she’s there, she gets dirty looks and weird questions asked by her parents. It’s almost like they don’t know what privacy is. “Are your parents home?”

“I think my mom might be.” Pearl looks over to the other for a second to see her deflate a bit. “You can just wait in the living room.”

“Why not the car?” Lapis asks.

Pearl chews her lip. “Well, you told me that you’d like to get ran over by a car this morning. I’d rather you wait inside than outside where there are plenty of moving vehicles.”

Lapis folds her arms, finding her reason to be convincing enough. “Fine. But I’m not talking to your mom.”

“You don’t have to, just know that she’s stubborn. If she asks you something, she’ll expect an answer.”

“I know.” 

Pearl pulls into the driveway and puts the car in park before getting out and waiting for Lapis to follow suit. Lapis follows her while looking up at the rather large house. Two stories with huge rooms and fancy furniture. It almost annoys her. When they enter, they’re blasted with cool air from the air conditioner and Lapis sighs, a nice change from the hot air outside. Pearl’s mom is sitting on the couch, reading a book, with some tea on the table in front of her. She puts down her book with a rather displeased look on her face.

“Pearl, why are you home so early? And why is she with you?” She gestures to Lapis who is nearly cowering behind Pearl.

Pearl bites the inside of her cheek so she doesn’t correct her mom by saying that ‘she’ is Lapis, and how they’ve been over her name before. “I forgot my homework for next hour, we’re just picking it up before we go to lunch.”

Her mom rolls her eyes. “Always so forgetful.” She puts a bookmark in her book and stands. “Well, go on then.”

Pearl nods. “I’ll hurry.” She says it more to Lapis than her mom before running up the large staircase to her room.

Lapis stands, not moving from her place in front of the door. They had closed it, but now with Pearl’s mom’s cold stare and the cool air in the house, she wishes they hadn’t. She’s feeling cold now. 

“Why are you here? She never answered me.” She crosses her arms.

Lapis folds her arms behind her back. “We were going to go to my house after this…” She hopes she answered right.

“Hm. And why is that?”

“For lunch..?”

“Yeah, good luck trying to get my little twig to eat. She’s stubborn with food.” Pearl’s mom chuckles. “She’s stubborn with everything. It’s a shame, really. She could have been so beautiful.”

Lapis holds her breath, clenching and unclenching her fists behind her back. She wants to tell her how wrong she is. That Pearl is already beautiful and that she’s getting better, but she can’t. Her mind won’t let her speak in fear of what might happen to Pearl if she stepped out of line. So she just pretends to listen, hopping Pearl gets her ass down here soon.

After her mom went on to tell her about how Pearl never stops bouncing her leg and always has to have something in her hands, Pearl finally returns. Lapis sighs and opens the door to leave. Pearl ignores her mother’s goodbye before shutting the door and leaving. They get in the car and as Pearl starts it Lapis slams her head on the dash board. “Lapis, you’re going to set off the airbags-”

“Would it be incredibly rude to say that I want to punch your mom in the face?” She turns to the other.

The blonde blinks a few times, caught off guard by the question. “Why? What did she do to you?”

“What has she been doing to /you/?” Lapis counters, force in her voice as she turns back to the front. “She just kept going on about all the things she thinks are wrong with you. And she said that you could have been beautiful- It’s like she hasn’t even seen you! Isn’t a mom supposed to do like, the exact opposite of that?” Lapis leans back in her seat, throwing up her hands to cover her face. “I’m sorry.”

Pearl sits still for a minute. “No, it’s okay. You can’t actually punch her though, she’s still my mother…”

Lapis cracks a smile, sliding her hands back down to her lap. “I wouldn’t actually punch her.”

“Okay… But, did she really say those things about me?” Pearl asks, her voice not really changing. Lapis nods sadly. The older one shakes her head. “Whatever.” She backs out and begins driving down to the other’s house.

They’re silent the whole time but it doesn’t seem like Pearl is affected at all. Which, of course, makes Lapis worry. When they finally arrive and go inside, Lapis sits at the island in her kitchen and Pearl leans against the counter across from her. “Hey, are you okay?”

She nods, looking up to Lapis. “I don’t know why she’s like that. She was… a big part of the reason I started self harming.”

Lapis stares at her. “That’s not okay.”

“I know.”

Lapis holds out her arms to Pearl and waits for her to realize that her arms are open for a hug. Pearl slowly makes her way around the counter before Lapis turns to her and hugs her. Pearl wraps her arms around Lapis and takes a deep breath. The younger one stands and takes Pearl’s hands, leading her over to the couch. Lapis sits and pulls her down to sit across her lap, the others head automatically resting on her shoulder. “Don’t listen to her ever, okay?” Lapis says just above a whisper. 

Pearl nods slowly before she lifts her head and presses a quick kiss to Lapis’ cheek. “I’m used to it. Her words don’t affect me as much as they used to.”

“Good. I just wish you could heal in peace. Without her telling people those things behind your back or to your face, if she does that.”

“Not anymore, but I agree.” Pearl pauses for a moment. “In the real world, nothing stops for you, though.”

Lapis hugs her tighter and kisses her forehead. Pearl releases a satisfied sigh so she kisses her cheeks and nose too before her lips. Pearl holds the back of her head so she doesn’t pull away, not that she was going to anyway. A few kisses later, Pearl is the one to pull away. Lapis checks the time, seeing they still have thirty minutes until the next hour starts. “You okay?” She asks, looking back to Pearl.

Pearl nods, a ghost of a smile hiding on her lips. “I’m fine.” She closes her eyes and rests her head back on the others shoulder before finding Lapis’ hand and moving it to rest on her lower chest, just below her breasts. “I’m fine.”

Lapis’ cheeks go bright red, wondering if she wants her to go higher. She clears her throat which now feels really dry. “Pearl?”

She looks up now with slightly wide eyes. “I’m sorry-”

“No it’s fine I just- Maybe we should set up some…” /Setup what?/ /You know she wants you to/ “Boundaries? I just don’t want to… cross the line…?”

Pearl takes a deep breath, relieved that Lapis isn’t mad. “I’m… I’m okay with whatever you’re okay with. I just want…” Her voice trails off, looking down at her hands. 

Lapis chews her lip. “I don’t want to do anything if you’re not sure.”

“No, I’m sure. I don’t want to go all the way…” Her cheeks begin blushing. “Just, this far?” She slides Lapis’ hand up further until it rests on Pearl’s small chest. 

Lapis nods shyly. “So you’re okay? I-I don’t want you to freak out about it later or anything.”

“I’m okay if you are.” But her voice is just as shaky as Lapis’ own. It shakes with nervousness? Or excitement? Pearl can’t tell anymore. She just knows that the hand on her chest feels good and she wishes Lapis would just touch her.

The blue haired teen looks down to her hand then back up at Pearl incase her face shows any sign of discomfort. It still looks the same, blushed with with a hint of a smile. Back down to her hand and she thinks of Jasper. She’d touch her so roughly and make her touch her back so roughly and it wasn’t even love then. It was some animalistic driven lust. Lapis takes a deep breath and puts Jasper to the back of her mind. She needs to stop comparing everything Pearl does to Jasper. 

Pearl kisses her softly for encouragement and Lapis takes it, kisses her back a little less soft. She remembers her hand and where it is and how it’s not even doing anything. She runs her thumb across Pearl’s shirt, tracing the small cup of her bra before bringing her full hand back up to grope what she can through the shirt. Pearl makes a small sound into Lapis’ mouth and Lapis can’t help but pull away, the realization of what she’s doing hitting her ten times harder than it should have. She removes her hand and brings both to cover her face. Her cheeks are hot and her hands are shaking.

/Why can’t you just do one thing right?/

“Oh goodness. I’m sorry, Lapis. I shouldn’t have even suggested- I just forgot and it was- Oh goodness you probably hate me now- I understand if you never want to see me again-” Pearl cuts herself off, realizing that she’s not helping at all, maybe even making it worse.

/She’s going to break up with you if you don’t get your shit together./ /Then you’ll be all alone again./ /Pearl is literally the only person who puts up with you and you’re gonna throw that away?/ /No./

She waits for her mind to calm down before taking a breath and removing her hands from her face. Lapis slowly looks at Pearl who is expressionless, her blush fading and it seems she’s thinking hard too. “It’s fine. I’m fine. I just. I don’t think I’m ready for… That yet… I’m sorry.”

Pearl nods slowly. “No, I’m sorry. I should have actually talked to you about it before I just… Went on like that.”

“Have you been thinking about this then?”

“I have. Just my limits I suppose. I should have told you and asked yours, though.” Pearl bites her lip.

“It’s okay. It was a mistake and you didn’t hurt me. So we’re fine. We’re fine.” She says it more to reassure herself. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“N-no. Not at all. You just… Wow.” Pearl chuckles, her blush creeping back. Lapis smiles and kisses her cheek before swinging Pearl’s legs off and standing.

“Are you ready to go back to school then?” Lapis asks.

“Yes. Just give me a moment to-” She searches for the right word. “Recollect myself.”

Lapis holds back a laugh and grabs a rice cake to eat on their way.

She has a lot of work to do if she wants to satisfy Pearl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also shout out to the peeps who did fanart. i think they took it down because i can't find it now and i can't remember their blog name but. thanks. it means a lot.  
>  and i don't have a schedule for updating this, i just update it when i feel like its decent enough


	10. Taking My Time On My Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aayyyyyeeee I'm back

“Why are you making me go to TA? We don't even do anything in there.” Lapis leans against Pearl’s locker.

“Apparently I was called down to the office to fill out some papers yesterday and when the note was sent to class they realized I wasn't there and marked me absent. The school emailed my mom to let her know I wasn't there and she gave me a huge lecture last night.” Pearl sighs. “She said if I kept ditching then she would send me to boarding school which is absolutely ridiculous but I’m not going to risk it. You don’t have to come with me.”

Lapis rolls her eyes. “Nooooooo.”

Pearl shrugs, walking towards the classroom, knowing Lapis is following. “Just come to class with me from now on, it should start to get easier. Plus, I’m still going to be there.”

The younger groans as they enter the room just in time for the bell to ring. “I just hate socializing.” She says under her breath but loud enough for Pearl to hear.

“Oh, look who decided to show up finally.” Peridot sits with her feet kicked up on their table. Amethyst is leaning on her and staring at the phone in the others hands.

“Why are you in here?” Pearl asks Amethyst. “You didn’t change classes, did you?”

Amethyst shakes her head. “Nah, you have a sub today so I’m just gonna chill in here.”

Lapis looks over to the teacher’s desk to find an old man who looks like he’s about to die sitting there. “See, we didn’t even have to come today.” Lapis nudges Pearl. 

Peridot puts her phone down. “So where have you two been? You haven’t been here for like two weeks.”

“This class is pointless.” Lapis says, sitting down and resting her chin on the table. “She doesn’t take roll and we don’t do assignments so we just stopped going.” She finds it strangely easier to talk today. 

“Pearl? Ditching? How the hell’d you make her do that?” Amethyst asks, dumbfounded. 

Pearl blushes. “What do you mean?” 

Amethyst laughs. “Holy shit- Okay, okay. Storytime.” Pearl finally sits, embarrassed and certain the story is about her. “So we were in like seventh grade I think and me and Pearl had the last two hours together and I really didn’t want to go because. School. And so I drag her into the bathroom and I’m trying so hard to convince her to ditch and eventually she just starts crying- funniest shit. Then the hall monitor came in and sent me to detention and Pearl to class.”

Lapis smiles at the short story and looks over to Pearl. “You’re not like that now.”

“Well, I’m not technically ‘ditching’. This isn’t even a class, really. More like a study hall.” Pearl tries to explain. “If you tried to persuade me to skip a class with an actual grade, then it would be a lot harder.” 

Amethyst rolls her eyes. “Whatever, loser. Just accept the fact that you have ascended into ditching hell.”

Peridot shoves Amethyst to shut her up. “What are you guys doing at lunch?”

Pearl looks over to Lapis who shrugs, not really caring anymore. “Nothing, I suppose.”

“Then you should come out with us. You guys never hang with us anymore.” Amethyst says. “We were gonna go get burritos then hang out at that one park behind the rec center.”

“Is it just you two?” Pearl asks.

“Nah, Ruby and Sapphire are coming too.”

Pearl considers it for a moment. “Alright, I’m in.”

Lapis looks over to Pearl and decides she doesn’t want to spend lunch alone too. “Sure.” 

“Sweet, we’re meeting by the south doors. If you’re not there within five minutes, we’re leaving you.” Amethyst runs her hand through her hair. 

Lapis nods and takes out her phone from her back pocket. While the three conversate, Lapis sends Pearl a text, not wanting to say it out loud. /Please don’t leave me at lunch/. After it’s sent, she bounces her leg, not really paying attention to whatever they’re talking about. Pearl gets the text and glances over to Lapis before nodding. Neither Peridot or Amethyst seem to notice to Lapis’ relief. If they did, they would probably keep asking about what they were talking about and why she couldn’t just say it. Today is going good for her and she’s glad a small thing like that didn’t happen to ruin it.

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

Lapis meets Pearl and the rest of the group at the south doors. Once Ruby sees the blue haired junior, she throws her arms up. “Everyone's here, let's go!”

As they all walk out, Amethyst hops into the small space between Pearl and Lapis, nudging the older one. “You bring your car today?” 

Pearl nods. “Yes, I did.”

“Sweet then we're riding with you. Ruby’s car is way too small.”

“My car takes offense.” Ruby turns to say.

Lapis wonders if the only reason they were invited was for the ride but Pearl doesn't seem to be too concerned so she drops it. Ruby and Sapphire part from the group, leaving them with directions to meet at the restaurant. The rest make their way to Pearl’s car and all pile in with Peridot and Amethyst in the back seats. 

Lapis stares out the window as they drive away from the school. The last three begin talking to each other and she hears Amethyst mention something about wanting music so she turns on the radio, not wanting to worry about them judging her music. It's a short drive to the small shop and before Lapis knows it, they're all unloading from the car. Ruby and Sapphire step out of Ruby's deep red Juke and twine their fingers together almost immediately and Lapis has to make herself not roll her eyes to that. Jealous and maybe more than a bit annoyed remembering that they're /that/ couple.

They all follow Amethyst in and wait at the counter. Peridot nudges Lapis, leaning on her slightly. “What are you getting?”

Lapis shrugs, spitting out the first excuse that comes to her mind. “I don't have money.”

Peridot looks over to Pearl as if asking her the same question. “Not hungry.”

The blonde laughs. “You're never hungry. I don't think I've seen either of you eat anything this year. What are you anorexic?” 

Even though she said it in a joking way, neither of them said anything to that. Before she could say anything else on the matter, Amethyst pulled Peridot over to order her food. Pearl let's out a broken breath and turns away from the group. Lapis looks to Sapphire whose attention had shifted to them. “We're gonna go wait in the car.”

Sapphire nods knowingly and Lapis grabs Pearl's arm and begins to lead her back outside. Once they're back in the car, Pearl let's out a frustrated noise. “Why are people like that? Like maybe I /am/. Maybe it shouldn't matter, it's none of her business any way!”

“She's always been like that. I'm not saying it's okay for her to say that shit but she's insensitive and. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. It's not your fault. I'm just-! It's 2016 why are people still ignorant like this?!” Pearl shouts, her hands reaching up to run through her hair. “When will people learn that those things shouldn't be joked about?!”

Lapis grabs her hands after a second of watching her. “I'm sorry.”

Pearl sighs, allowing Lapis to lean over and kiss her forehead briefly. “It's fine. I'm fine.”

“I hope so.” Lapis looks around for any sign of their friends. No one is out yet so she pulls Pearl over and places a kiss on her lips this time. 

Pearl blushes and crosses her arms. “Why do you have to be intimate like that when we're with people?” It's not actually a question though. 

Lapis shrugs before a pound is heard on the window. Jumping in their seats they see Amethyst laughing along with Ruby who's getting in her own car. Peridot gets in followed by Amethyst. “Amethyst! You could have broken my window!” 

“Oh hush. You coulda just made your rich-ass family fix it for you.” Amethyst says, taking the bag of food from Peridot.

“We're not rich.” Pearl huffs, starting the car.

“Only rich people say that.” Peridot joins in.  
Pearl mutters a “whatever” before backing out and following Ruby’s car. Lapis turns on the radio again, Amethyst immediately telling her to turn it up. She does, realizing it's twenty one pilots. Amethyst and Peridot sing along from the back seat loudly. 

“I just wanna stay in the sun where I find, I know it's hard sometimes. Pieces of peace in the sun's piece of mind, I know it's hard sometimes. Yeah, I think about the end just way too much, but it's fun to fantasize on my enemies who wouldn't wish who I was, but it's fun to fantasize.”

Lapis can't help but smile at their singing, deciding to join in as Pearl does also.

“Oh, oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride. Oh, I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride.” The four teens sing together, everyone but Amethyst stopping after the chorus.

“I'd die for you, that's easy to say. We have a list of people that we would take a bullet for them, a bullet for you, a bullet for everyone I'm this room-” The music shuts off as Pearl turns off the car.

“Hey! You could have at least waited until the song was over!” Amethyst flicks Pearl in the back of the head.

“I'm the driver!” Pearl turns around in her seat.

Lapis rolls her eyes and steps out of the car, greeting Ruby and Sapphire with a small wave before shoving her hands in her pockets. Sapphire approaches her, pulling her arm lightly to get her out of earshot. 

“Is Pearl okay?” She asks below a whisper.

Lapis looks back at the group, now all heading over to the park. “Yeah.” She says, deciding against going into anything.

Apparently she's convincing enough because Sapphire nods and follows the group, Lapis catching up with Pearl. The older one sits on a swing and Lapis takes the one next to her, the other four opting to sit around on the playground. Pearl grabs a chain on Lapis’ swing, pulling her closer.

“What did Sapphire say?”

Lapis shrugs. “She just asked if you were okay. Does she know?”

Pearl nods, letting go of the others swing. “She's my best friend, of course.”

A pain of panic crashes through Lapis. “Did you tell her about me?”

“Oh, no. I wouldn't unless you tell me to.” She begins swinging back and forth.

Lapis sighs. She begins swinging also, quickly getting higher than Pearl. Amethyst runs between their moving swings to the next available one. “Peri come push me!” Peridot follows, going around the swings this time.

“No, pump ya clod.” She takes the last swing. 

Amethyst stands up on the small seat and swings that way. Peridot follows Amethyst in standing. Soon Pearl and Lapis are swinging in sync with each other unknowingly. Amethyst notices and laughs her thick laugh. 

“Y’all are married! How sweet!” She points to the way they go back and forth at the same time.

Pearl blushes. “Be mature.”

Lapis laughs at her girlfriend's pink face, twisting her body around to make the swing spin in the air. Pearl squeals and yells something about how she's gonna hit her. Which she doesn't even come close to, but Pearl jumps off her swing anyway. It isn't long before Ruby is climbing on the bar the seats hang from. Sapphire takes Pearl's swing and Lapis lets Ruby take her swing. Amethyst and Ruby have a short competition to see who can jump the farthest off of their swing. Lapis joins Pearl on a patch of grass and helps Peridot judge. Ruby obviously won but the blonde is thoroughly convinced it was Amethyst. They don't have enough time to discuss it before they have ten minutes to class. 

They all get back in the cars they came in and drive back over to the school, this time without music. 

“Peri and I were gonna go have a fire on the beach on Friday,” Amethyst says from the back seat. “Do you guys wanna come? Sapphire has a family dinner and Ruby doesn't wanna go without her so they're out.”

Lapis looks over to Pearl waiting for her to answer. “Sure. I'll double check with my parents but I'm sure I can.”

“I can go.” Lapis says once the other is done. 

“Sweet! So we're doing this?” Amethyst asks. 

“I suppose we are.” Pearl smiles slightly, parking her car.

Amethyst and Peridot part from the couple shortly after. Pearl and Lapis stop by the formers locker just to talk.

“Can I sleep over Friday?” Pearl asks, not wanting to tell her parents what she's actually going to do in fear they'll say no.

“Yeah. Are you coming over after school?”

Pearl nods, looking down for a second then back up. “Do you think we can maybe talk about boundaries then? If you've thought of yours yet.”

Lapis can feel her cheeks get warmer. “Yes. I'll think about them and if I come up with anything, I'll tell you.”

“I don't want you to trigger yourself, though. This is up to you, we can just leave it alone if you want-”

“You deserve to know at least,” She sweeps her bangs from her face as the bell rings. “I'll let you know after school okay?”

All Pearl can do is nod before they have to walk to their classes.

 

*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

 

The couple sit on Lapis’ bed, wondering how to start the conversation. After some time, Pearl shifts positions, now cross legged, and decides to speak first.

“I'm alright with…” Suddenly she's not so confident. “Uhm. My chest. It's alright to touch me there. Just…” She catches Lapis staring at her and she casts her head down to look at her hands rested in her lap. “Not under my bra.” Pearl says quickly before covering her face with her hands. Her face is hot and her palms are damp.

Lapis bites her cheek and nods before realizing Pearl can't see her so she corrects herself. “Okay. I'll try.” The last thing she wants to do is disappoint Pearl. 

Pearl nods. “I mean maybe under… I want you to like it too, I mean.” She shuts herself up after that. 

The younger one nods again, not caring if she can't see. Her cheeks are burning by now and her mind is racing to too many different things. The most prominent one being the fact that Pearl actually wants Lapis to touch her. For both of their pleasure and not just Pearls. She wants Lapis to feel something and not just herself. Not just one-sided. Lapis takes a deep breath, reaching over and running her hand through Pearl's short hair softly. “I want you to like it to.”

Pearl sighs at the hand in her hair, not wanting to lift her head just yet but does it anyway. “I know. And I'll let you know if I'm not.” Lapis removes her hand and places it in Pearls.

“Promise me you'll tell me. Please.”

“I promise.”

Lapis mouths a thank you and stares down at their hands. “I guess I have to tell you mine now…”

“If you want to, of course.” Pearl says.

“I do,” She thinks for a moment. Thinks about how Pearl won't hurt her. How all of the abuse is over and that she's safe. That she's ready to heal. “My chest is okay for now. I just. Need to see that it's you and not… Her. Same goes for when I touch you. I need to see that you're okay and you actually want it I guess.” 

Pearl nods. “Whatever you want, darling.”

Lapis blushes and leans her head against the other's. “You're… Good.” It's all she can think to say. 

“So are you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so my current goal is to finish this by the end of the year hopefully (since I'm slow as fuck) and your reviews and messages are helping so much like holy shit. like right as I decide to give up on this someone messages me telling me how they'd like to see more and holy shit that means so much to me.
> 
> also I may be starting a patreon. I don't have a computer anymore or internet at my house so I'm just doing this all on my phone so when and if it gets set up, it'd help a ton if you could donate. don't feel like you need to, but updates could come a lot quicker of you did. anyway thank you for all the support in this


	11. Lovely

It was already 8:30 pm by the time that Lapis had finally arrived at Pearl's house. All the windows were dark besides the one that led to Pearl's room. She's snuck into her friends houses before, climbed in through their window to hang out with them. But their rooms were never on the second story and they definitely didn't have parents that would skin her alive if they found out. But tonight that's not what was worrying Lapis. What was worrying her was the fact that Pearl was really distant at school and hadn't responded to any of her texts since she dropped her off at her house. She declined going over to Lapis’ house like she usually did after school and wouldn't tell her why. So, Lapis could only worry since that afternoon, deciding to walk the seven blocks to her house. 

Thankfully, there is a tree in front of the house that leads right to Pearl's room. Lapis sits on the side of the house and tries to figure out how to get up since the first branch is at least six feet high and she's barely over five feet. She decides on taking off her flannel and wrapping it around the tree, holding onto both arms and using it to help her climb up that way. By the time she's up to the first branch, her flannel is stretched and covered in bark so she ties it around her waist instead of putting it back on. The rest of the way up goes smoothly and luckily the screen covering the window is a bit loose so she can just lift it up and slide open the window, step in, and put it back on like nothing ever happened.

Immediately Lapis can hear gagging coming from the bathroom. For a moment she wonders if maybe she's actually sick, but the disassembled razor, pencil sharpener and scissors on Pearl's bed tells her otherwise. Taking a deep breath she walks over to the bathroom connected to her room to try the door, only to find it's locked. Slight panic washes over her. /Don't freak out, that'll just make her freak out./ Lapis grabs the scissors off of her bed and sticks one end into the lock of the door and twists it until she can hear it unlock. 

Lapis opens the door and sets the scissors aside. Pearl leans over the toilet with her fingers in the back of her throat, trying to get herself to throw up, seemingly again from the vomit already in the bowl. Her nose is bleeding slightly and her arms are completely cut up. Lapis kneels down and grabs her wrists, though carefully not to irritate her new cuts, and turns Pearl to face her. Pearl shuts her eyes tight right as the tears come, only letting a few slip out.

“Hey, no, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. You're okay,” Lapis sits down completely and pulls her closer. “Well, maybe not one hundred percent okay but at least I found you and not your parents, right?” She doesn't even want to think of all the horrible things her parents would say about their daughter. 

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-” Pearl mumbles over and over again.

“No, no, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry, not at all. You're not in trouble or anything,” Lapis decides on pulling Pearl into her lap and hugging her tightly. “Is it alright if I hold you like this? Just nod yes or no.” She knows how hard it is to talk in this state. Pearl nods slowly, still tense as hell. Lapis nods also just to tell herself that, yes she is okay and no she won't be triggered right now. Not now.

Lapis flushes the toilet to get rid of the vomit inside of it and unravels a wad of toilet paper to press against Pearl's still bleeding nose. Pearl shifts to hold it herself and leans her head on Lapis’ shoulder hesitantly like it was against some unspoken rule. The younger of the two traces random patterns on Pearl's side with her fingers and it seems to help calm the other. She realizes that Pearl is shaking and holds her a bit tighter, whispering sweet nothings to her. 

They lose track of how long they've been there but it's been long enough that Pearl's bloody nose stops. Her tears stop around the same time and Lapis waits a little longer before deciding to try to actually talk to her. “What… happened?” She asks.

Pearl shakes her head and closes her eyes.

“Should I just leave it alone?”

She shrugs. Lapis waits. “I need a shower.” Pearl says at last. 

“I don't really want to leave you alone.” Lapis says before she even thinks about it. She hates when people say that to her.

Pearl sighs. “You can be in the room. Not. In with me. But in the room.”

Lapis blushes but finds no harm in it. “Okay.”

They stay there for a few more minutes then Lapis helps her stand, even if she didn't need any help. Pearl steps into the shower and closes the glass door and begins undressing, throwing her clothes over the top of the door. Lapis sits on the counter and rests her head on her knees. She pushes the thought of actually showering with Pearl out of her mind for now. /That's not something you think about when she just hurt herself/ Lapis scowls at herself. /She trusts you enough to let you be in here with her, don't make it creepy/

Lapis hums to distract herself and closes her eyes, taking a breath of the steam filled air. Occasionally she glances at Pearl through the shower door to make sure she's not in there hurting herself further, glad that she can only see a silhouette of her girlfriend through the blurry glass. Soon enough the water stops and Lapis waits for instructions. Which don't come so she just closes her eyes as Pearl grabs her towel and strides past her into her room, closing the door to the bathroom behind her with a small “wait here”.

Lapis opens her eyes and a few moments later Pearl reopens the door, turning around and sweeping her blade collection on the floor before laying down on her bed. The blue haired teen follows, observing that her girlfriend is now wearing light blue panties and her galaxy sweatshirt. She completely forgot she still had it but doesn't mind seeing how cute she is in it. Lapis sits next to her and offers her her hand. Pearl takes it and pulls her to lay down. “Will you please stay?” Her voice is almost smaller than before if that were even possible. 

Lapis kicks off her shoes and turns on her side to face Pearl. “Mmhm. Are your parents home?”

Pearl seems to shrink at the mention of them. “They went to dinner.”

The younger one nods, deciding to leave it at that. Pearl stares at her, sleep beginning to cloud her mind. Lapis kisses her forehead and pulls her closer to her chest. The blonde sighs and unties Lapis’ flannel from around her waist, throwing it off the bed. Pearl hooks her fingers in Lapis’ belt loop and tugs down, as if asking her to take them off. “I don't like the feel of them…” Pearl excuses herself. Lapis nods and takes them off as well. Pearl wraps her legs around one of Lapis’ and closes her eyes. Lapis listens to her breathing become more relaxed as her girlfriend drifts off into sleep. 

She feels safe. For once in her life she feels genuinely safe. Laying there with Pearl, listening to her steady breathing and she feels safe. Lapis looks down to her girlfriend's sleeping face, no thoughts in her mind besides how beautiful she thinks she is. /She's my idea of perfection. She's so strong even when her family is against her. Even when everything's telling her to give up, she's still strong. She doesn't even know how much I love her./

/Love her?/

Lapis glances at Pearl again, runs her hand through Pearl's short hair.

/Yeah. I love her./

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay


	12. update

okay hi so this obviously isn't the story but i have some news i felt like i needed to share with you guys regarding this

so i'm currently in a pretty shitty place right now and i can't really find motivation to do anything so i'm not sure if i'm going to continue this story. BUT! i might upload one shots of things i already had planned for this. i just honestly couldn't figure out how to connect a lot of it together. trust me, i've tried to work it out but it just turns out super shitty and doesn't make sense because i can't form my thoughts into words most of the time.

before anyone asks, i'm not going to pass this story onto anyone. i just don't feel like that's something i would want; i'm sorry. but if you want you can write little break offs of this (like one shots). like that'd be totally cool tbh if anyones interested in that. just send me a link or something if you post it. also the fanart of this is absolutely beautiful if any of you have seen it. i can't get links right now but maybe in the future i will.

i know this story has helped a lot of people and it's helped me too. that's one of the reasons i hesitated for so long on whether i should stop or not. i know a lot of you are going through hard things (even if you didn't read this because of it in anyway) and i know we're all battling our own demons and i may not be able to relate to all of you but i can relate to feeling like absolute shit and wanting to find any way to shut everything up whether that be through self harm or drug abuse (in any form) or sleep or even reading. i know it's super cliche to say that it gets better but it really does! you just need to want to get better and it will take some work but you'll get there, i promise! i love you all and just seeing your comments and all the kudos has honestly made this all worth it. 

i started writing this story when i was in a really hard place. things just kept going wrong so i wrote the first chapter and i honestly wasn't planning on continuing it. but i saw that people liked it so i was like okay i'll keep going. as the series went on i figured out i would just write when i was sad and the chapter would reflect that a lot. writing is my coping skill but it's turned into more of a chore than anything else because i feel like i always have to get a chapter up really quick and it would stress me out and in the end the chapter wouldn't even be up for another month. so by ending this i'll be taking back something that'll help me a lot more now if that makes sense?

anyway, i'll probably start posting one shots of this in a while. i'm not sure when or how often i will but i'm pretty sure i'll do at least one.

thanks to everyone for this amazing journey. stay strong.

-kanyon


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